And the most important question: could I ever trust him so blindly and unconditionally again? Would I ever feel so safe again after everything that went down? Would the fear ever go away?
I don’t have answers to these questions, but maybe I don’t need to have them yet. Maybe I just need to be brave. Maybe Jannis is right and we have another chance at a forever.
Chapter 30
David
25 years
It’s Saturday, 10:05 p.m. Louis and Paul are standing behind the bar and I’m sitting on my stool. My vodka tonic was already waiting for me when I entered the lounge, and I wonder what made Paul gift me the drink—compassion or pity.
I take a good sip and I am confused. It tastes different than usual, that... that’s not vodka, that’s... gin. My eyes find Louis’s and for a brief moment, he holds my gaze. His eyes are wide, his gaze captures mine, sucks me in, letting me feel what he feels. Pain, fear, and... no, that can’t be... But I’msure about it, there is longing. Then he turns away and I sip my favorite drink, stunned he still remembers.
My heart is pounding. I have no idea what this means for us, but a light has just appeared at the end of the tunnel, and I dare to hope we can find our way there together.
The night was hectic. It was incredibly busy, and Louis and Paul were running around non-stop. But since four o’clock, it’s calmed down, as usual.
“Hello, handsome, I didn’t have any time for my favorite regular today.” Paul stands in front of me with a tired but beaming smile. “Do you need anything else?”
“Favorite regular, huh? How did I earn that title?” I ask with a grin.
Paul exaggeratedly puts one hand on his hip, puts a finger to his lips, and tilts his hips dramatically. “Let me think. You’re peaceful and you’re house-trained.”
“You’re easy to please.” My laughter surprises even me.
“Oh, believe me, you’re the whole package, and we don’t get that very often here. No, seriously, you’re not bad, David, and I honestly admire you for your persistence.”
“Thanks. As long as he doesn’t tell me to stay away, I’ll come back. As long as there’s still a chance, I won’t give up.”
“You hurt him, but you know that yourself. He’s afraid.”
I just nod. What can I say? My gaze wanders along the bar again and lingers on Louis. I was wrong when I said Louis hadn’t changed. At sixteen, he was small and cute, with soft features and a childlike wild charisma. Cheeky and impetuous.
He still has a quick tongue, and he is still small, but he has lost his baby face. Round, rosy cheeks, are replaced by high cheekbones and pale skin and at half past four in the morning, by a dark shadow of stubble, which would perfectlyfill out into a thick beard if left growing. Dark, long eyelashes frame his large, brown eyes. He is beautiful. Paul is hot, Louis is beautiful.
It’s 4:55 a.m., my usual time, my last chance before I leave the club as the last guest. Louis stands with his back to me, putting glasses in the dishwasher.
“Lou?”
“Don’t call me that.” He doesn’t turn around when he speaks to me. His tone is tense but calm.
“Why not?”
“That name belongs to an us that no longer exists.”
Ouch. “You’ll always be Lou to me, no amount of time will change that. Will you have breakfast with me?”
“Okay.” Louis still doesn’t turn around. “I need another thirty minutes. Do you want to wait here?”
“You’re coming?” I have to ask again, I’m not sure if I heard him correctly. My heart skips a beat.
“I’m coming.”
“Cool, um, yeah, sure, perfect. I’ll wait here. No rush.”
Paul grins and gives me a thumbs up. He so knew.
“Where are we going?”
