Two mossy-green eyes look at me shyly. "You are?”
"Yes. And when I faced you for the first time... I just stuttered around, I couldn't get a straight sentence out and I was sure you thought I was the biggest idiot in the world. But everything about you drove me so fucking crazy. I wanted to reach into your curls and hold you. I wanted to touch every single one of your freckles and kiss them. I looked into your eyes and knew it was you for me. And I was one hundred percent sure you were straight. That sucked."
Philipp lowers his head with a smile. "That's what I thought too, that I didn't stand a chance anyway. I... I was sure that someone like you wouldn't even look at me, let alone love me." Helpless and with tears in his eyes, he shrugs his shoulders. "But you do love me, right?"
His gaze is pleading and filled with fear and I regret once again that I don't speak German. What the hell did that asshole say to make him question himself like that again? His face in my hands, I rest my forehead against his. "I love you, Philipp. And not just since I told you, but for much, much longer. I know it took you time to really be close to a man again without falling into old patterns and I'm glad we took our time, but it was hard. Not knowing if the man I love could ever love me back, the fear that at some point along the way you might realize that I'm notthe one you want after all. But something inside me knew that we’d make it, that I'm strong enough for the both of us when you can't be. That I have to hold on to us when you're still too weak. We're standing here and every moment with you by my side is still a small miracle for me. I'm holding on to you and nobody and nothing will ever change that. When the thoughts in your head feel so heavy that you can no longer carry them alone, then we'll carry them together. I love you and I will always love you, especially when you can't yourself."
"Philipp, there you are! Quick, we have to get backstage! The award ceremony is about to start!" Joshua pulls Philipp along with him and he just manages to throw me a kiss with his hand before he disappears into the crowd. I make my way back to the exhibition hall, hoping fervently that Élias is still in our spot and that I don't have to search for him. Luckily he is very tall and there are almost only girls around him. So I can see him from afar. "Hey... Nika told me what happened. Is Philipp okay?" Élias's look is serious and worried.
I shake my head, hoping that we are strong enough to get through this encounter without another breakdown. Philipp has come so far in the last year. Today it was a shock to see his ex, but in two months' time we can laugh about how pathetic he actually behaved. Deep in his heart, Philipp knows who he is and what he wants again and he is strong enough to fight for it. "No, he's not okay right now, but he will be."
Chapter 52
Adrien
Roxane's Veil - Vanessa Mae
"Ah shit... not that song." Nika and Philipp haven't started dancing yet, but music is playing softly in the background. An instrumental piece, a violin in the lead. The melody is captivating, immediately enveloping me and carrying me with it. I don’t get Élias’s problem with this song, just imagining Nika and Philipp moving to it...
"Why? What's your problem?"
"Nika has been dancing around the apartment to this song for two weekends."
"So what? There are worse songs..."
"That's what I thought at first too, but you haven't seen her dancing to it yet... although you wouldn't care howshemoves to it. But I do and I've been running around the house with a permanent boner for two weeks now. Not funny, I can tell you!" Rolling his eyes, he grabs his crotch. For the life of me, I can't stop myself from grinning.
Nika and Philipp are still in the middle of the studio talking to each other. They don't always do that before improvising and it’s quite common that only one of them knows the song they're dancing to beforehand. I’m intrigued. In one smooth movement, Nika turns around and runs to her bag.
"If only she were a little more organized, she might even find what she's looking for..." Élias shakes his head at his girlfriend, who is still feeling around in her bag.
Philipp turns to me with a grin and just shrugs his shoulders. Apparently, he has no idea what she has in store for him either.
"Ahh..." Then a few more words in German, which I don't understand, and Nika walks towards Philipp with a triumphant smile, her hands behind her back. The two of them stand close in front of each other and Nika stretches her head upwards as she speaks. Nodding, Philipp confirms whatever Nika has just said and she pulls out a long piece of cloth from behind her back. I assume it's a silk scarf. Philipp carefully lets the dark green fabric slide through his fingers before sprinting to the speaker, starting the song again and turning up the volume.
Oh... fuck... now I understand what Élias meant by having a permanent boner. The fact that they're both wearing exceptionally little clothing today doesn't make it any better. Philipp and Nika are both only wearing skin-tight black leggings. Philipp is bare-chested and his outrageously hot six-pack is on display for everyone to see. Nika is wearing a black sports bra. I discreetly reach into my crotch to adjust.
Philipp and Nika dance in soft, supple movements. Their bodies connected every second, either by touching each other directly or by holding onto another with the silk scarf. With a quick tug on the flowing fabric, Nika’s turning, the scarf wrapping around her body and she leans close against Philipp's chest. Her hips roll into his crotch and her upper body stretches into a perfect arch so that her head comes to rest on his shoulder. Her arms are crossed in front of her face.
Élias raises his eyebrows tensely as Philipp places his hands on the inside of Nika's thighs, his fingertips sliding upwards in a gentle touch. Grazing her pubic bone, her belly button. His hands part as his fingers trace the curves of her breasts and continue over her armpits to the insides of her upper arms. Following Philipp's movement, Nika releases her arms from her face.
Next to me, I hear Élias swallow. Not once in the last few months have I seen him like this, he has always been relaxed and easy-going. Not today. "Are you all right?" I can't stop myself from asking.
Élias exhales silently. "If I didn't know for sure that Philipp was gay, I'd have to tear them apart... Are you okay with him touching Nika like that?"
Well, as he said, I know that he has no sexual interest in her, so I have no problem with that. But I can understand where Élias is coming from. I wouldn't be that easy with this if another man touched Philipp like that, dance partner or not. But I have to admit, I'd love to be in Nika's shoes.
Oh shit... Élias's eyes are getting bigger and bigger and so are mine. Philipp is holding Nika only by the back of her neck and lets her stiff and outstretched body sink to the ground slowly. Only her arms seem to fall loosely to her right and left side. Just before she touches the floor, Philipp grabs Nika's right wrist and gives her a small but firm tug to the left so that she comes to rest on her stomach in a half turn. In one smooth movement, Philipp circles around Nika's body and kneels at her feet. While his fingers slowly make their way back up her calves, Nika spreads her legs wider and wider, following his touch into a sideways split. Philipp's hands continue to wander until their hands meet and his crotch is pressed tightly against Nika's ass.
The music is moving in waves and in tune with them Philipp rolls his hips against Nika, who is pushing back against him. Fuck... I want that too... with this scarf around my wrists.
With the fourth roll of their hips, Nika pulls her legs forward to under her upper body. Shit, that girl is flexible. Philipp reacts immediately, lowers himself back onto his knees and takes Nika's upper body pressed against his into an upright position. Élias next to me is getting more and more restless. "Hey, it's justdancing, it's just the story of the music they're telling us. That's how you explained it to me yourself."
"It would be easier if we saw each other more than four days a week... fuck, what are they doing?"
We watch with wide eyes and open mouths as Philipp is now lying on his back and Nika is straddling his hips. His legs are bent and slightly apart. Nika lets herself fall against Philipp's thighs, her head stretched back. Her hips roll again to the slow rhythm of the music. Philipp's hands grip Nika's waist, firmly and securely, and then move on to find their way over her flanks, to her chest. No longer gentle and careful, but firm and passionate. Philipp opens his legs and lets Nika sink backwards. In a wide split, she spreads her legs so as not to loosen their connection while Philipp follows her with his upper body. His head falls into her neck and Nika encloses his body tightly with her legs. At the last sensual sounds of the song, their bodies intertwine, not a millimeter of space between them.
I'm as hard as if I'd been watching porn with my boyfriend in the leading role. I can hardly wait to get home, no way we’re going for a drink later.
