"And look at you. How pathetic is that? You're seriously wearing sleeveless? You can't do that to anyone. No one really wants to see that. And you call them your friends? People who won't even tell you honestly how awful you look? What does your fuckboy say to that? That you scratch yourself bloody, over and over again, like a psycho? Does he even know about it? Or did you tell him a lie?"
I haven't scratched since our vacation, my skin is scarred but not crusty. It's not gross, it's not disgusting. He bombards me with questions he doesn't really want an answer to. He just wants to embarrass me, I know that, but I can feel him succeeding. I can't actually get a sound out now, my vision is just blurry. "Yes, he knows, he knows me like this, I'm good the way I am."
My voice is no more than a smoky rasp as I say the words Adrien keeps telling me, words I've slowly but surely learned to believe.
"Has he told you he loves you yet?" I want to say yes, but my voice fails me. He makes me feel so small. As if he could just crush me in one step with his foot like an annoying bug. I can't get out a sound. My eyes search for Adrien, pleading for him to get me out of here, but my ex completely misunderstands. "No,of course not. No one loves you, Philipp. Just look at you. But I'm not a bad person, I feel sorry for you. You should see yourself standing here. It's absolutely pathetic how you're clinging on to a guy who's just using you. I'll take you back, you don't have to be alone for the rest of your life."
I'm not alone, I'm not alone, I'm not alone. I can feel Adrien next to me, his arm around my shoulder. And yet my head starts to spin. A thousand little doubts starts questioning everything between us. Questioning me. I'm not good enough for Adrien. I don't deserve him. Two strong hands grab my upper arms and pull me against a big, solid body. Just in time, before my legs give way. I know this scent. Adrien. With a firm grip, he presses me against him, chest to chest. One hand on my back, the other on the back of my head, in my hair.
"I have no idea what's happening here right now, but I'm here. I'm not letting you go. You're safe with me." He whispers the words softly in my ear and I realize how they calm me down, bring me back a little more. Then he lifts his head and speaks with a firm voice. "You should leave now."
"Speak German if you want something from me, we're not in the US here." Everyone can hear that Adrien has a French accent.
"You want German? I'll give you German!" That's Nika and she's furious. She was surprisingly quiet the whole time, but not anymore. "Fuck off! Go away! Get out and never come near him again. Or I'll report you for mental and sexual abuse and I guarantee you'll never get out of this!" I hate it when she speaks these words out loud and I bury my head even deeper in Adrien's neck.
A resounding laugh reaches my ear and I feel like it's tearing me apart. "Are you serious? Don't make a fool of yourself! He hasn't said no once!"
I open my eyes and see Nika closing the distance. Her face is very close to his, their noses nearly touching. Her voice calm, almost soft, but her words harsh and leave no room for speculation. "Has anyone ever fucked you up the ass? Without prep? And without an ounce of consideration? No? You should try it sometime. And then think about if it's so fucking hot that you really want to do it again."
Chapter 51
Adrien
I have no idea what Nika said, but I've never seen her like this before. She's funny and open with her close friends, she's impulsive and sometimes has really crazy ideas when she feels safe. Nobody can say their opinion to your face as dryly as Nika. But she never – absolutely never – is confrontational. I understand that she's protecting Philipp and I guess her words hit the mark, because they guy – Philipp's ex? – opens his eyes wide and then throws up both hands in defense. Then he turns around and disappears into the crowd.
I gently push Philipp away from me, take his face in my hands and kiss him. With a relieved sigh, he leans into my touch and into my lips. "That was my ex," Philipp whispers, my mouth still on his.
"What a fucking asshole!" Nika switched back to English, as she always does when Élias or I are around. "I can't believe you were together for over three years." Philipp lowers his head in shame. "And have you even looked at him? He doesn't even look good! You're at least ten times prettier than him!"
I can agree with that, even if I find this comment coming from her... funny. Nika too is ten times prettier than Élias and yet she loves him more than anything and they make a great couple. But I also agree with her that Philipp's taste in men must be shit if he had a crush on this guy. I shake my head at the thought. There are more important things to think about right now. Philipp, for example, who gets smaller and smaller in my arms after Nika's words.
"Hey, what's wrong?" I gently nudge his head with my nose. "Hey, talk to me."
"I know he's an asshole and I know that what he did to me was more than wrong and yet I have nothing to say to him. When he talks, I feel so small."
I gently kiss Philipp's hair.
"Don't talk so badly about yourself, you were fantastic. You didn't let him get to you. You stood up for yourself and for your decisions. That was huge." Nika, who has heard the whole conversation, puts a hand on his back, but I don't get the feeling she's having the desired effect.
"Do you want to watch the rest of the band, or do you need some peace and quiet in the foyer?"
"Foyer." I can hear in his voice that he's still fighting back tears. It's thin, no more than a whisper, and if I didn't have my head against his, I probably wouldn't even have heard his reply.
"Come on then." I carefully push my way out of the large exhibition hall with him in my arms. "What do you need?"
"Hold me tight. Never let go of me again. Please." I have to laugh, this is by far the easiest task. After a few minutes, Philipp clears his throat against my chest, but doesn't look at me. He wants to say something, but doesn't really know how to get it out yet. If this asshole made Philipp so insecure in ten minutes and took away this little bit of self-confidence he's just built up again, then I'll track him down and make his life hell.
"Why did you fall in love with me?" The trembling in his voice betrays his uncertainty and nervousness, even though Philipp tries to make his voice sound strong and neutral.
A huge grin comes to my face all by itself when I think about this first time I saw him on stage.
"You're taking quite a long time to think about it..."
My grin grows even bigger, because it's still there, the demanding, playful side that I love so much about him. "I’menjoying my memories." He carefully turns his head towards me so that our eyes meet.
"Tell me about it! Please."
"I was at that competition with Élias, and you danced and all of you were good, but I only saw you. I just couldn't look away. The way you moved your body, so smoothly, so precisely. Like a cat. So in synch with Nika. My God, I wished I could have been in her place at that moment. No matter where I tried to look, my eyes always found their way back to you. You pulled me in like a magnet. I was completely powerless. I still am."
