We take that shower. Dried cum in stomach and chest hair is the worst, nobody wants that. Besides, the shower is also a very nice place – you're naked, wet and close together, skin to skin. My head has lots of ideas about how to make it even nicer in there.
Since Philipp took off his t-shirt for the first time, I'm allowed to look at him, but it's still difficult for him to allow me to touch his upper arms. He still finds them disgusting. If he doesn't wear a shirt, he usually crosses his arms in front of his chest and covers his scars with his hands. Of course, this doesn't really work as his hands are simply too small and his skin is damaged over too large an area. But it gives him security and I don't want to take that away from him, which is why I don't say anything.
In the shower, I have a reason to touch him, to touch his arms. I take some shower gel and spread it on both hands. ThenI start on the right and left of his neck and let my hands wander over his shoulders to his arms in small circles.
Philipp flinches the moment my fingertips touch his upper arms. His ex has told him for so long how disgusting and hideous his arms look and that nobody wants to touch him that he still believes it. It's so ingrained in him. I can only keep showing him that it's different with me. That's why I don't shy away when he flinches, but reach around his arms, not to hold him in place, but to give him support. He can feel the difference by now.
When Philipp relaxes, he drops his head onto my shoulders. "I still can't believe you're doing this willingly... touching me like this." His hand grips my cock, which is hard between us, and he shakes his head. "And that you're getting it up like that..."
Leaning forward I whisper in his ear. "My boyfriend is hot, what should I do?"
Philipp shakes his head again, but this time he smiles.
Chapter 49
Philipp
"Why are you grinning like that?"
"Just because, no reason in particular." Nika's eyes pierce me, and I just can't get the corners of my mouth under control. Shit. Why is she so good? She's holding my gaze, just waiting for me to look away first or start smiling for real. "Tell me. I know you. You have a secret,” she pauses, then her eyes get big. “Woah, I know it!"
I rarely see my best friend this excited and enthusiastic since she's been away studying during the week. When we’re dancing, yes, but otherwise... Most of the time I don't get more than a faint twitch of the corners of her mouth, but the smile no longer reaches her eyes. I know it's hard for her not to see Élias every day, I understand why she feels the way she does, but it's still hard for me to deal with it.
She's been my rock for the last year, holding me up. There's hardly anything left of the young woman who told Adrien and me three months ago that we should finally get our shit together. Now she's like a sandcastle on the beach when the tide comes in. Every wave takes a bit of her with it and I'm afraid of what will happen when there's nothing left of her.
Now, in this little moment, some of her fire is back. The impulsiveness and the quick mouth, both of which are only there when she's doing well mentally. At least to some extent.
Nika's voice softens considerably and she leans towards me a little. "You guys slept together, right?" Damn, she's good.
Embarrassed, I drop my head onto my chest. My curls cover my eyes, but I can't hide my broad smile for the life of me and I don't want to. Especially not in front of Nika. I nod slightly and she throws her arms around my neck. "What a huge step. I'm so proud of you. How was it?"
"Adrien had the idea that maybe it would be easier for me if I topped... He had the idea that it might not trigger me… that way."
Nika looks at me expectantly. "So, go on!"
"You're really impatient today." I love teasing her and I have a feeling right now she can take it.
"No! You're just terribly slow." Yes, that's my Nika and I love that I'm the one pulling her out of the dark clouds that surround her right now.
"It was good."
"Just good?"
That woman. "No, more than just good. It was so much more than I could ever have imagined."
"Believe me, I know exactly what you mean." When Nika talks about Élias, everything about her is so soft, so loving and I sometimes wonder if Adrien looks like that when he talks about me. And I wonder something else, but I don't really know how to say it without sounding totally stupid.
"What's going on in that head of yours? Spit it out." That's exactly what I mean. It's scary.
"When we slept together yesterday... and I was inside Adrien... it didn't hurt him."
"Then you did a good job with prep. You're not that small though, it can always sting a little. You just have to go slow." How does Nika know that I... never mind, not relevant now.
"I wasn't...um...gentle the whole time...but it was still good for him." I feel totally stupid, but even though she's not a man, I know that Nika has experience with anal sex and in the end itdoesn't make a difference, does it? In how it feels, yes, definitely, but in the execution. Probably not... right?
"It's a muscle you can stretch and relax. Élias is long, but not excessively large in girth..." Lalala... too much information... lalala... Oh my God! "...I hardly need any prep if he goes slowly using enough lube. I actually like it when there's a bit of a sting. Depending on the toy, it can be completely different."
I appreciate Nika's openness, but she's planting images in my head that I'll never ever get rid of. "What kind of toys?" My voice trails off and I wish I was cooler with this, but I'm not. At least my head is quiet. It's been mostly quiet since Adrien and I started dating properly. Adrien is living proof that there wasn’t an ounce of truth in allhisinsults and humiliation.
