Tears squeeze out of my clenched eyes. No, I can't do that. I can't. My arms are repulsive. I am repulsive. No one can love me like this. I can't even stand myself.
"Look at me, Philipp, please." I open my eyes carefully, his gaze firmly on me. "I'm not pushing you, you don't have to do it. Not for me. But I want you to know that to me, you're the most beautiful and attractive man I've ever seen and no matter what you're hiding under your t-shirt, that's not going to change."
"BLAH BLAH BLAH! IF HE KNEW WHAT TO EXPECT, HE WOULDN'T TALK LIKE THAT! BUT HONESTLY, HE'S GONE EITHER WAY, NO MATTER WHEN HE SEES IT! LET'S NOT KID OURSELVES, YOU CAN'T HIDE IT FOREVER! IT'S BETTER TO DO IT NOW, SO YOU CAN SAVE YOURSELF ALL THE UNNECESSARY HEARTACHE!"
My ex has a point, I hate admitting that. "What if you do? What if you... what if you find it disgusting?" My gaze sinks into my lap. I can't look him in the eye.
"Not going to happen."
"What makes you so sure?"
Adrien's voice is calm and determined as he answers. "Because it belongs to you. To your story, in whatever form it takes."
I don't know what to do. I'm so fucking scared of Adrien's reaction. Mind you, I'll always be scared shitless and I know I can't hide my arms forever. But maybe for two or three months until they don't look so bad anymore.
"Come with me." Adrien lets go of me and stands up. My body immediately misses his, the way he presses close to me and gives me support. "Come." He holds out his hand invitingly and I let him pull me up. "Do you have anything in your pockets? Phone, keys, anything that can't get wet?" I shake my head. I don't even have pockets.
Then everything happens very quickly. I scream so loudly in shock that it feels like the whole beach turns around to look at me. Nika and Élias on the blanket next to us raise their heads briefly and watch as Adrien swings me over his shoulder as if I were as light as a feather and runs with me towards the ocean.
"If I drop you off now, will you stay with me?" After all, he's out of breath. So much so that he huffs and puffs between every word and I find it far too funny considering the overall situation.
"What if I run away?" That was my voice and that was my mouth moving. Oh my God... What the fuck? Where did that come from?
"Is that what you want?"
I lean forward and kiss Adrien gently on the back. Over and over again. That seems to be enough for him, because suddenly I'm in the water up to my belly button.
"Ah, shit, that's cold!" Now he has something to laugh about.
"Come on, a little further, up to your shoulders."
"What are you up to?"
"If you take off your t-shirt now, nobody can see anything. If you want, you can show me, if not, you can put your t-shirt back on when we get out of the water." Maybe Adrien could guess something through the surface of the water. But the full extent would definitely not be as clear as without the water.
When I don't answer, Adrien grabs the hem of my t-shirt. "May I? You can say no. You can always say no. But nothing will happen to you. You're safe with me."
Chapter 44
Adrien
A quick nod and I take it as a yes before he can change his mind. I pull the t-shirt over his head in one go. Philipp's eyes are closed, his lips pressed tightly together. He could go into hiding, or at least crouch down to hide his arms. But he just stands there stock-still waiting for the world to crash around him. He’s so scared, his lips are trembling. My gaze falls on his upper arms and I can understand his fear, even if it is completely unfounded.
I gently place my hands on his bare skin, but I don't hold him. If he wants to get away, he needs the freedom to do so. He flinches at the first touch, a soft whimper, but he stays still. Slowly, I let my hands wander up and down his arms and Philipp's head falls into his neck. Only now do I see the two tears running down his cheeks, right and left, and I hate his ex just a little bit more for what he did to this beautiful man who just wanted to be loved and then got this.
The freckles that I already love so much on Philipp's face play across his neck and spread over his shoulders, his chest, all the way to his hands. I follow their trail with light kisses. When I reach his upper arm, Philipp's whole body tenses up.
"Why are you doing this?" He whimpers more than he speaks.
"I love your freckles. They're everywhere. I don't even know where to kiss you first."
"But... the... I..."
"I know what you mean, okay. And yes, I think it's bad. But not because I think it's disgusting or ugly or whatever, but because I think it's bad that you feel like you need to do this." Irun my fingers over the hodgepodge of old scars, new skin and fresh scabs, all in various stages of healing. It’s clear that he hurts himself often and has done so for a long time now.
"Sometimes it's just too loud in my head, so loud that I don't even feel myself anymore. Everything becomes so numb. So heavy. So out of control. The pain makes me light, free. In my pain I have the power. I know it sounds crazy, but that's how it feels." With the last word, his head falls onto his chest.
Even if I can't understand it, it doesn't sound crazy. I slowly run my hands over his arms again. First down to his elbows, then up to his shoulders and further until I can feel the slight tuft of beard on his chin and along his jawline. I carefully lift his head so Philipp has to look me in the eye. "Everything is okay. There's nothing about you that you need to be ashamed of, that you need to hide. Nothing at all."
