It starts with a slight trembling and sniffling, but I don't let go of Philipp, not even to see what's wrong. I continue to play with his curls, stroke his back, hold him when all the dams break and I'm still holding him when his breathing calms down again and he falls asleep from exhaustion.
The beach is slowly filling up, but no one is really interested in us. I don't know how much time has passed before Philipp is moving again. Slowly at first, then he straightens up with a jerk. "I'm sorry... I don't know how... it'll never happen again... I..." That's right, he wasn't allowed to sleep around his ex. I gently pull him back into my lap. "You can sleep on me whenever you want. Wherever you want and whenever you need it."
His gaze finds mine. The most beautiful eyes in the world lock with mine, anxious and questioning. But there is also hope in his gaze. His eyes don't leave mine as he slowly leans up towards me. Only at the last second, just before our lips touch, does he close them.
***
"Thank you..."
We're sitting in our favorite position again with Philipp between my legs. "For what?"
His look is serious as he answers. "For still being there, even now that you know... everything."
"I'm glad that I know everything. It helps me understand you and your fears. I have to thank you for your trust."
"I... I want this with you, being with you." Philipp's voice is almost defiant. "I wasn't allowed to want anything for so long that at some point I didn't even know what I wanted anymore. But... I do want you. Even if I'm scared shitless because I have no idea how to do it, how to be with someone. I want to learn it, with you. If that's what you want..." There's still fear in his voice, but so much strength too. He's won, he's won for today.
I know it's going to be tough; I'm not fooling myself. And he will need professional help to really come to terms with all what happened to him. But we can do it. Together. No matter how long it takes.
Chapter 43
Philipp
I am happy. Adrien and I have morphed into this new version of us so easily over the last three days. Nothing has really changed except for how we’re labeling our relationship. And that changed everything. We're together now and that gives me a security that I didn't know I needed so badly. He knows everything about me and he's still here. Okay, almost everything.
"NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOUR ARMS, LET ALONE TOUCH THEM!"
Maybe I'll manage to let my arms heal until they don’t look so bad anymore. And until then, I’ll wear a t-shirt.
***
Even before this vacation, I knew what it felt like to be touched by Adrien. His little everyday caresses that he uses over and over again to show me how he feels about me. They were so foreign to me at the beginning, but now I enjoy them so much.
A few small touches aside, I didn't know what it feels like to touch Adrien. The fear of doing something wrong and of the possible consequences was too overbearing. With this new sense of security, I discover a side of myself that I haven't known before. I’m curious... and brave.
I want to know how Adrien feels, I want to know how his muscles tense when my fingertips glide over his skin. I want to touch his tattoos, every millimeter of them. I'm still so unsure, but when I feel him lean into my every touch like it's the mostbeautiful feeling in the world to him, I want to do it again and again.
We're lying on the beach. Adrien on his stomach, shirtless, his back visible to everyone. I think he's asleep. His breathing is calm and even. All his tattoos are in shades of black and gray, including the large one on his back. It is a geometric motif, mirrored on an axis along his spine. Various patterns fill individual areas. It’s intricate and detailed, a mixture of straight lines and angles and sweeps and curves.
I catch my right index finger following a line from Adrien's lower lumbar spine to his ribcage. A shiver runs down his spine and I can’t stop my smile. That was me. Again. This time on the other side, and a deep, pleasurable grumble makes his upper body vibrate.
"You can put sunscreen on me if you want. It’s in my backpack." Putting cream on, okay, I can handle that.
I kneel down next to Adrien, squeeze the lotion into my hand and rub it warm. Then I place my hands on his shoulder blades. In the far back of my mind, I hearhisvoice, but I refuse to listen. No matter what he says, he's not right. He's not right. I'm not alone without him. I have a great man, I have Adrien. I'm not alone. He's not right.
With a little pressure I massage the sun lotion into Adrien's skin. It is soft and even. So different from mine. If he has moles, I can't see them because of his tattoos. Adrien purrs under me like a kitten, okay more like a tomcat, a big tomcat. Deep and dark, but you can hear with every sound how much he is enjoying the massage. When the lotion is absorbed, Adrien straightens up. "Now you."
I feel my eyes widen in shock, but Adrien holds my gaze and doesn't withdraw his offer.
"No." I shake my head more vehemently than I actually want to. "I'm wearing the t-shirt anyway."
"Then we'll take off the t-shirt."
"NOW HE'S GOT YOU! YOU'LL NEVER GET OUT OF THIS! THAT'S IT! I SAID IT ALL THE TIME, BUT YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BELIEVE ME! YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE SOMETHING BETTER, HUH! BYE BYE, BOYFRIEND!"
"I can't, I can't take it off. I can't. I... you..." Two strong arms encircle my comparatively slender body, holding me tightly. Adrien gently kisses my temple, then I hear his voice in my ear.
"We've known each other for almost ten months, if you think I haven't noticed in that time that you have a thing with your arms, you're pretty wrong."
