They are true, every single one of them. I just haven't been brave enough to say them out loud yet. I don't think I can do it today, but at least I can try to show him.
My right pinky reaches out and hooks his left. I close my eyes as I slowly bring our joined hands to my lips and kiss his knuckles. When I open them again, he does exactly the same to me.
Any normal person would simply lean forward. It would be just a little further until our lips finally meet. But I can't remember how "normal" works. I know I want to kiss Adrien... Seriously, I want nothing more than to finally feel his lips on mine again. Firm and passionate and yet never too much. Even though we only kissed that one time, I still remember exactly how his lips felt on mine, I can still feel them. No one has ever kissed me like that before. Not my ex anyway, but no one before him either. I want to have that feeling again, but I don't dare.
Adrien looks at me with his big gray eyes. Shy, reserved and yet full of expectation. But I don't kiss him. Instead, I lean my forehead against his and feel the disappointment flowing through Adrien's body, feel the little snort as he exhales and how his shoulders slump.
None of it is obvious and I don't think he really realizes any of it and that makes it almost worse. How much longer will he put up with this, with me? When will he get fed up with me and my fear? Or worse, when will he give up because he thinks I don't want him after all?
"You're hurting him, you know?" Nika is standing next to me in line to buy some drinks, Adrien and Élias are at our spot on the hill. The main act starts in twenty minutes, so we can't give up our spot or it'll be gone in seconds.
"Are you good? It's already pretty packed and there's hardly any room. If you feel like you need to get out, just let me know, okay."
"Don't try to distract me, I'm fine. Well, I'm okay. I can handle it, I want this. And when it gets tough, Élias will be there." Nika is stubborn and brave and I admire her for it.
"Yes, I know."
"How long are you going to keep doing this? I understand your fear, that's not the point. But Adrien is suffering and that's not fair." I know that Nika has my back, she would never let me down, but she also doesn’t put up with my bullshit. I really appreciate her honesty.
"I don't know. I don't really want to be like this, but every time I'm about to kiss him, my head jumps in. What if he doesn't want to kiss me after all?"
Nika rolls her eyes dramatically throwing her head back. "Philipp, this boy has been waiting for you for six months! He's been picking you up from practice for six months - three times a week! He's been going on dates with you for six fucking months. You're holding hands, you... oh my God, you cuddle, you're so close, even physically. I'm sure he wants to kiss you. But he won't make the first move, that has to be you."
Fuck... me...
Chapter 38
Adrien
It's been two weeks since semester break started. Weeks ago my classmates were already talking about their vacation plans. Beach here, party there, adventure trip. I came to terms with the fact that I would be spending my summer alone in Strasbourg quite a while ago.
Élias went to Bretagne with Nika on the very first weekend and Philipp's parents are going on vacation in three days. He could go with them, but yesterday he wasn't sure if he really wanted to. "My parents have been going to the same campsite on Lake Constance for 20 years. It's not that exciting now," he said, and I can fully relate.
Honestly, I'd like to go home, but it's still difficult with my parents. My mother cries on the phone that I don't show up anymore and in the same breath tells me that new people with a"beautiful daughter my age"have moved into the empty house across the street. When I tell her that girls aren't my thing, she takes a deep breath to say“You just haven't found the right one yet."That's exactly why I don't come home anymore, Maman.
Philipp and I have seen each other a lot in the last two weeks. Eating ice cream, going to the movies, going for a walk. Three days ago, I wanted to go to the swimming pool, but he turned me down. Instead, we went to a lake. It was nice there too and the water was great and refreshing, but Philipp was weird.
At first he didn't want to go in the water at all, then he went in wearing a t-shirt. When we got out, he wanted to let the wet thing dry on his body. When I offered him my dry tank top, healmost panicked. I haven't been able to find out what his deal was, but I didn't want to open a can of worms. He was already insecure enough all day anyway, I didn't want to make it any worse for him.
My phone rings. It's Élias. "Hey, where are you?"
"Home, why?"
"Do you have any plans for the next two weeks?"
"I don't know, maybe with Philipp, if he's not going on vacation with his parents. Why?" I can hear him whispering in the background, probably to Nika, but I can't hear him.
"Okay, how fast can you pack?"
"Why?"
"Nika and I were planning to go to a campsite on Île de Saint-Émile tomorrow, but she got a call from Joshua this morning. The crew had a last-minute invitation to dance at this big event. He's trying to get as many couples together as possible. So, do you want to come with me instead. Please?"
"That's on the Atlantic coast, isn't it?"
"Yes, exactly, near Nantes."
I don't need to think about it for long, I'm definitely going to this island. With Élias, it's sure to be super relaxed and I'm absolutely in the mood for sun, beach and the ocean. "You said tomorrow?"
