Even when the music slows down again, the choreography is characterized by lifts and almost acrobatic elements.
“I’m impressed that Philipp can keep this up for so long…” Élias mumbles to himself next to me.
“What do you mean?”
“Honestly, that woman is no featherweight. She's 5’10”, easily 140lbs. I'm lucky if I can get her from the living room to the bedroom without collapsing.”
I have to bite down hard on my cheeks to stop myself from snorting out loud. Nika doesn't have an ounce of fat on her body, but she's tall and muscular, so Élias is probably right. It's amazing, I didn’t expect so much strength from Philipp's toned but slender physique. It’s probably all about technique here.
The music picks up again and so do Nika and Philipp. They chase each other across the dance floor with spins and jumps, like two children trying to catch the waves on a beach. Or butterflies on a mountain meadow.
Out of nowhere, Philipp grabs Nika and throws her into the air. I've never seen him dance so carefree and light-hearted, so powerful and strong. While Nika is a powerful dancer who always radiates an incredible amount of tension and energy on stage, Philipp is very elegant with soft, flowing movements. At least when the two of them are doing their modern thing. It's different in HipHop, of course, but here, as a couple... I've never seen him like this before.
It's almost as if he's challenging Nika over and over again. Both are concentrating fiercely, not taking their eyes off the other for a second to make sure they don't miss a possible move. But they both laugh. Nika squeals when Philipp makes an unexpected move and whirls her through the air, her eyes lighting up. I watch Philipp as if I haven’t seen him before, because I haven’t, at least not this version of him.
The music comes to an end. The two of them sway gently to the last notes, but it's more like breathing out together and gathering strength than actually dancing.
After the last note, Nika falls around Philipp's neck, screeching and talking to him in loud, animated German. Élias raises his eyebrows questioningly.
“What?”
“I haven't heard Nika screech once in the last ten months, at least not outside... never mind, forget about it.”
A smirk plays around my lips as we stand up. “And I've never seen Philipp laugh so freely and uninhibitedly.”
The two of them break away from each other and come running towards us with quick steps. Nika jumps into Élias's arms and wraps her legs around his waist. He’s only lucky that he’s tall, otherwise I’m sure she would’ve knocked him over.
A firm body against my chest and two arms around my neck pull me out of my thoughts. Instinctively I wrap my arms around Philipp's back and pull him tightly against me.
“Did you see that? That was so cool!” His voice is low but he exudes enthusiasm with every word. I can feel the tension and excitement running through his body. It's the first time I feel like I'm seeing the real him, Philipp without fear, Philipp without any inhibitions. Just Philipp, the way he would be... without the ex-boyfriend. But the moment passes far too quickly. Embarrassed, Philipp uncrosses his arms from behind my neck and puts his hands on my chest, creating distance. His smile is uncertain again. But there's still a little spark in his eyes and I hope this tiny flame doesn't go out completely.
Chapter 37
Philipp
Kleiner Finger Schwur [Pinky Swear] - Florian Künstler
We sit on the hill on our picnic blanket. I love Das Fest, I'm here every year. In the middle of Karlsruhe, a large park is transformed into a festival site and, for little money, you get a cool mix of well-known superstars and regional artists.
I've been to other festivals, but it’s nowhere as relaxed as it is here. The atmosphere is incomparable. The main stage is opposite a large hill, Mount Klotz. It's still quite empty, but later in the evening there will be tens of thousands of people here and a sea of lights will rise up in the darkness in front of the stage. I soak up the feeling and even though I've been here so many times, the magic of this place captivates me every time. The energy of the crowd flows through my body, everything around me vibrates. I forget everything, I am so light here.
It's late afternoon, the well-known acts don't come on until 7pm, but the singer-songwriter on stage has a good sound and good lyrics. I've never heard of him before, but I already know I'll be browsing Music Unlimited at home.
The next song begins, a beautiful melody that immediately captivates me. It wraps itself around my heart and tightens as the singing begins and I concentrate on the lyrics. And shit, they are perfect.
I turn to my right and see the man who does exactly that to me, who makes me feel exactly that way. An unfamiliar tingling in my stomach and an unwavering certainty that he won't hurt me. Adrien looks intently at the stage. How much I would givefor him to understand the lyrics, for him to understand how much this song speaks straight out of my heart. I swallow hard and Adrien turns his head towards me. "What’s wrong?"
I sink into his gray eyes. Adrien doesn't let go of my gaze, but he pulls his left lip piercing between his teeth and plays with it.
At first I thought it was a flirting game, but now I know he's nervous and insecure. He does that a lot and I feel sorry for him. I'm so sorry that I do that to him. That he doesn't know where he stands with me. I'm stalling, I know that, but I’m so scared. Afraid that the voice in my head, which has become quieter and quieter over the last few months with Adrien, will suddenly become very loud again when more physical closeness comes into play. Afraid of myself, because I don't know how I will react when we become intimate. Afraid of the pain, afraid of being afraid.
Hesitantly, I lean towards him. My index finger finds his lips and I carefully pull at his hidden lip ring. It is still mostly him initiating physical contact, always worried he’ll trigger me. Even though I can accept and even enjoy his touch by now, I can still hardly manage to make the first move myself.
Little touches, physical contact, all the things that are so natural for others in their relationships, but they still aren't for me. We both know that. A shiver runs through Adrien's body and he breathes out shakily. My knuckles gently caress his cheek and he leans into my touch. So longingly, as if he's never been touched like this before. Which isn't true, I know that, but I've never touched Adrien like this before.
As I turn my hand to cup his face with my palm, Adrien closes his eyes, trembling.
The lyrics are killing me. It feels like Florian Künstler is singing just for us. Shaking me awake to make me aware of what this beautiful man next to me does for me and to me. Putting thewords into my mouth that I should have said to him a long time ago.
