"I wouldn't know." I shrug my shoulders helplessly. "He didn't want it. He didn't want to be touched any more than he touched me, except... except during sex, that’s when he... touched me. But I was never allowed to..." I have to swallow. My mouth is dry and it’s more obvious than I like it to be.
Images run through my head like in a movie. I'm on all fours or pressed up against a wall and even over a year later I can still feel the pain.
"I'LL FUCK YOU THE WAY YOU DESERVE IT!"
"That means, this..." Adrien puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me close to him. "Is new to you? And that?" He kisses me gently on the temple. It's not entirely new, because Adrien has done it a few times before, but I nod anyway, because it feels new to me every time.
"And how does it feel?" Wonderful and terrible at the same time.
"That's not so easy to answer..."
"We have time." Adrien smiles and brushes a curl from my forehead. Then he reaches into a tin and holds out a bunch of grapes to me.
He gives me time. Time to sort myself and my words out. Time to find the courage to share another part of the chaos that is going on in my head.
"I like when you touch me, a lot, really, but it also scares the shit out of me because I never know what to do when you touch me. I never know what you want me to do."
Adrien gently leans his head against mine. "I don't expect anything. I'm doing this because I want to, because I want to feel you and because I always hope that you love how it feels as muchas I do. You only do what you really want, what you're ready for. And if I do something you don't want, then you tell me. Okay?"
I swallow hard and my“okay”is more hushed than spoken. But I don't get told off for not speaking more clearly, I get another kiss, this time on my forehead and then one of my favorite olives.
And now I really can enjoy it. Nika is right. We need to talk more. Even if it is hard.
When all the boxes are empty and stowed back in the backpacks, it's my turn. "I've got a little something for the way back." Adrien's eyes widen as I open the big box and reveal two oversized cake pops.
"Whoa, did you make these yourself?"
I nod sheepishly and hold them out to him.
"I don't even dare to bite into them, they are so pretty."
"Not over the top?" My ex would have run me down for these. I should keep my head down, not always put myself in the spotlight.
"IT'S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!"
It was always about him, for him, but he didn’t get that.
"Maybe a little,” he teases. “I would have been happy even if they didn't have chocolate sprinkles and Smarties on top. But like this? They’re crazy! Shall we share one?"
Sharing... another concept that I only know in theory. There was always his and mine, there was never ours.
"Here, the first bite is for you."
"No, you take the first bite, but I'll take the next. Promise."
Grinning and with his eyes closed, Adrien takes a big bite and seriously, watching him is even better than eating them myself.
***
"What are you doing today?" We had practice on Sundaymorning. We're dancing a big competition next week and the new choreography still isn’t on point. Not even after the three hours we just wrapped up.
"Adrien and I are going to that Thai restaurant."
"Is that your bad boy hottie who always picks you up with Élias?" Joshua asks in a teasing tone. I stumble over"your bad boy hottie".
"We're not together. And he's definitely not a bad boy." My answer comes too quickly and too defensively, I hear it myself.
"But we agree he's hot?" Joshua can't let it go and I realize I'm blushing.
