"Yes, otherwise you might be able to walk the path normally and wouldn’t have to jump from stone to stone to avoid getting your feet wet," I laugh.
"Or to avoid sinking ankle-deep in mud!" Philipp also laughs and takes a big leap. He loves nature, he loves being outside.
I can absolutely understand and see why he doesn't want to leave his home. He is free here. At least as free as he can be at the moment. That's why we've always been outdoors so far. Except once, when it poured down and we were in a museum. That was difficult, but maybe that was on me.
"Are you coming? What's wrong?" I'm still facing the big puddle and I should jump. "I'm sorry, we should have stayed on the big path, I..." With a big leap, I land right in front of him and Philipp lowers his head. I grab his face with both hands and he leans slightly into my touch. I can't help but smile, because thisis new. His first reaction is no longer to go into shock when I touch him. At least not always.
"No, this path is really fun. I was just lost in thought for a moment. I'm sorry."
"Yeah?" These beautiful eyes look at me and the green glows even more intensely here in the forest, surrounded by moss and leaves.
"Yes." I press a quick kiss to his forehead, take his hand and pull him along.
"Oh no, that’s it!" We are both very surprised when we stumble out of the forest and see the parking lot. "What are we going to do now? We still have so much time..." Philipp's question is cautious but expectant.
"How about we take the planked trail a little further and see where we end up?"
His face brightens considerably at my suggestion. "That's great!"
It soon becomes clear that this trail is a maze, and after three crossroads Philipp and I are completely lost.
"Oh, that’s nice! Come over here quickly!" The last fork in the way led me to a dead end. At the end of it is a small clearing and two curved wooden loungers stand opposite each other. "Shall we take a break here?"
"Okay." Philipp relaxes on one of the loungers and puts his feet up. "Oh my God, they're so comfortable! You have to try, they're heavenly!"
First I have to get our snacks out of my backpack, but then I lean back and yes, Philipp wasn't exaggerating.
The snack thing has become a bit of a habit since the Floodplain Wilderness Trail. Philipp is much more creative than I am. His baking skills are legendary, whether sweet or salty, and being spoiled by him like that is absolutely heavenly. Today Ibrought baguette with mini salami, cheese cubes, olives, grapes, cocktail tomatoes and nuts. Not quite as spectacular as home-baked, but Philipp enjoys the variety.
For a few minutes, we try to find a good position for us and the food, but the uneven surface of the loungers and sitting opposite each other are terribly impractical. And we are so far apart.
"That's not working. Can I move over to you?" The first emotion in Philipp's eyes is panic, but he nods and makes room for me. When our arms touch, he flinches pulling his shoulders up and his head in, becoming stiff as a board. This reaction is nothing new, it’s what usually happens, no matter how fleeting our physical contact is. That's why it was so special earlier.
I take anolive à l’andalouseand hold it in front of Philipp's mouth. They are a bit spicy from the pimentos and the rosemary and Philipp loves them. They're not so easy to find in Germany, but luckily we have great supermarkets in Strasbourg.
"Why is it so difficult for you to allow physical contact?" Shock crosses Philipp's face. "We've known each other for over five months now, it's always been an issue. I don't have a problem with it being like this, I just want to understand that I'm not doing anything you can't deal with. I don't want to cross any boundaries."
Chapter 31
Philipp
"I have no problem with it being like this, I just want to understand..." What am I supposed to say?"How about the truth? You need to talk if you're going to make it work,"Nika's voice whispers in my ear, but is drowned out the moment I seriously consider talking.
"DON'T BE RIDICULOUS. HE'S JUST LOOKING FOR A WAY TO GET YOU LAID FASTER. AND THEN, WHEN HE FUCKED YOU LIKE YOU DERSERVE IT, HE’S GONE!”
That’s interesting. Didn't my ex “tell” me the other day that Adrien obviously doesn't even want to fuck me and that I'm useless? My mind is spinning its truths as it needs them. Is that what my ex did? Did he manipulate me like this? Did he make me so submissive that I didn't even realize that what he was saying made no sense?
I look at Adrien, into his gray eyes that look at me so gently and expectantly, and I decide to talk. "Because it has never been like this for me..."
Question marks appear in Adrien's eyes. "But... you had a boyfriend."
"Yes, but as you know... it was difficult." I know what he wants to ask and I can feel how much he’s struggling with actually asking the question. He's probably afraid of the answer.
"Why? Would you like to tell me about it?"
Not really like, but Nika is right. "My ex and I didn't have that... these little touches here and there. A hand in the small of my back or a little kiss in passing."
"But..." Adrien's look is unsettled and he searches for the right words. "But that's what it's all about, isn't it? When you... love someone. That you can't keep your hands off them, no matter how hard you try."
