Adrien's earthquake throws me harder and harder and at some point I can no longer hold on for the life of me. Intuitively, I reach for the first thing that could give me support. In this case, it's Adrien's shoulder and I fall into his arms. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."
"Shh... don't be sorry. I started it... and I still think it's funny." He strokes my cheek with cold fingers. It's not much, but it's so much more than I've always had.
"Thank you..."
"For what?" Adrien looks at me seriously, questioningly.
"For doing this with me."
He shakes his head in disbelief. "You don't have to thank me, not for that. If anything, I have to thank you. You thought of literally everything. It’s perfect."
"You like it? Really?" Even if it sounds pathetic, I need to know.
"Yes, very much so."
Nika said we have to talk if we want this to work. Which means I have to talk, because I'm the problem, even if I'm scared shitless.
In moments like now, I know 100% that I want this. That I want Adrien. "My ex would've never done this with me..."
"What do you mean?"
"A date like this..."
"Why not?"
Adrien looks at me in confusion and I shrug my shoulders, because I’ve actually no idea myself. "I don't know. He never wanted to do anything with me alone anyway, only with his friends. If I wanted to do something, it was always too childish, but if his buddies suggested it a week later, it was cool."
We are now sitting on a... I don't know, bench is the wrong word. There's not much room and Adrien has his arm behind my back so we can move closer together.
"What did you do when you were alone?"
"Sex?" Such a short word, but it's still so hard to get out.
"And what else? I mean, sex is great, but that can't be everything."
I squint my eyes. Firstly, no, sex isn't great, but I can't say that without getting more questions I can't answer yet. And secondly, "That's all I’m good for."
Nothing happens for what feels like an eternity, but I'm too cowardly to open my eyes.
"HE DIDN'T EVEN WANT THAT WITH YOU. SEX. WHY ARE YOU HERE ANYWAY? WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?"
Adrien is moving behind me. I'm sure he’s about to stand up when I feel his arm around my shoulder and with a gentle but firm tug he pulls me into him. My back against his side and his hand on mine. My first impulse when Adrien touches me is always the same and I'm so sorry. As if on cue, my shoulders pull up and my body goes rigid. But Adrien doesn't let himself be unsettled.
"I don't even know what to say... I think I’ve never heard worse bullshit than that. I've never liked being with someone as much as I do with you. We could read the phone book together and I'd have fun. If he felt that way about you, he didn't deserve you." His head rests on my shoulder and I notice the tension easing. "How long were you together?"
"Almost three and a half years."
"And it was like that from the beginning?" What can I say to that? That my ex treated me like shit for three and a half years and I didn't manage to leave? I shrug my shoulders, but Adrien understands. "Shit. I’m happy you got rid of him."
***
"What are you doing today?" Nika is standing in my bedroom in nothing more but an oversized t-shirt. We had a competition in Mannheim yesterday and didn't get back until three in the morning. Much later than expected and she was so exhausted that she didn't want to drive to Strasbourg on her own.
"I have no idea. Adrien just said I need sturdy shoes, so I think we'll go hiking somewhere."
"Ah, that's why the pants and the shirt. Cool. When are you meeting up?"
"Adrien will pick me up in fifteen minutes."
