I just didn't want it to hurt so much, but I shouldn't have asked, I know that now.
"And I’m telling you this for the probably tenth time now. I don't know what happened to you, but Adrien felt like it wouldn’t have been really consensual if you had sex. He had the impression you felt like you had to fulfill some duty, but thatyou didn't really want to because you... Adrien said you were shaking. He didn't want to hurt you, he wanted to protect you. That's what partners do, they look out for each other."
This is a new concept for me and I'm confused. In my last relationship, I learned to function and not question.
"But he slid his hands under my shirt, with my ex it always meant... you know..." I've never said anything out loud about what happened with my ex before. I stare fixedly at my shoes so that I don't have to look Nika in the eye. Luckily, we're alone in the studio, Élias and Adrien are standing outside the glass door. They can see us, but they can't hear us. They wouldn’t understand us, but… I don’t know.
"Okay..." I can tell by the look on her face that Nika actually has 195 things to say about this, but is holding back hard so as not to overwhelm me. "I have to ask this, Philipp. And what if you didn't feel like having sex?"
"I AM YOUR BOYFRIEND! I CAN TAKE YOU WHENEVER I WANT, WHEREVER I WANT AND HOWEVER I WANT!"
"What do you mean?" Fascinated, I look at the dust fluffs under the heater.
"Did you always feel like having sex when your ex wanted to, yes or no?"
"No..." It's the truth and yet the need to bite off my own tongue is huge. I've never admitted it like this before, not even to myself.
"And did you communicate it?"
"No... there... there was nothing to communicate. The question never came up." Nika looks at me questioningly with a stern expression. Fuck...
"He said if I love him, I’ll always want to have sex with him, I... saying no was never an option."
"That means he had sex with you, against your will." It's not a question, it's an accusation.
"Not really, it's not like I said no, he didn't know I didn't want to... I'm sure he thought I'd agree." I'm losing my ground, I don't want to hear this, it sounds too real. But what does that make me?
"No, he didn't. He took your consent for granted and emotionally manipulated you to get what he wanted." Even if I find it hard to admit it to myself, I know she’s speaking the truth. "He manipulated and abused you, Philipp. Definitely emotionally, and sexually too if you ask me."
If I could stare holes in the ground, I'd already be two floors down. This can't be true, she's not right. She's not right... But if I'm honest with myself, I've known for a long time that his behavior towards me wasn’t okay... not okay at all...
"Shit! What are you doing? You're bleeding! Let me see!" Nika's voice is stern and doesn't allow any backtalk and I'm too surprised anyway. I was so lost in thought... I didn't even realize that I was... She grabs my wrist with a firm grip and pulls my bloody hand out of my t-shirt sleeve. That's what I get for not wearing long-sleeved shirts. I'm annoyed with myself.
"That's nothing." Determined, I pull my hand towards me.
"That's blood!" Nika's voice is not accusatory, but it is demanding. She wants answers, but there won't be any.
"I'll take care of it at home." With my head down, I search in my bag for a towel to wipe my hand. I can feel Nika's gaze on me, but I don't want to look her in the eye. She'll ask questions I don't want to answer, wants to see my arms, which I definitely can't show her.
"I have really upset you with what I said, didn't I?" Very carefully, she puts an arm around my shoulder and pulls me close. "I'm sorry about that. But please think about it and if you need someone to talk to, I'm always here for you."
The thing is, I think Nika is right, and subconsciously I've known it for a while. I just wouldn't have used that word, I neversaid no. What would have happened if I had said no? Would he still have taken what he wanted, or would he not have crossed that line? And is what she said true? Adrien didn't want to sleep with me to protect me? Because... because he... because he likes me? Images of that night flash through my mind, of Adrien covering me up with that blanket, stroking my back. He didn't reject me... and yet, how am I ever supposed to look him in the eye again? I've ruined everything.
Chapter 24
Adrien
Heartbeat Failing (Piano Version) - Dead by April
He ignores me. Philipp doesn't even look at me anymore. All the familiarity we've built up over the last few weeks and months is gone. I'm sure he's scared. Of me? What have I done?
It's been four weeks since we last spoke, but nothing has changed between us. We don't meet up anymore, not even the four of us. For three weeks now, I've been there every time when Élias picks Nika up, all three days of the week. I'm not kidding myself; I know that Élias only does it for me. He doesn't usually hang out at the dance studio three nights a week. And to be honest, Nika is very capable of getting home without her boyfriend... In her car.
But I want to see Philipp. I'm not ready to give up on him, even though I have the feeling he can't even be in the same room as me. For the last three weeks, he almost always left the studio in a hurry when he saw me. Almost, because it's been different since last week. I have the feeling he's looking at me again. Only briefly, out of the corner of his eye, but that's a step, isn't it? A small one, but in the right direction.
***
Music is already playing when we arrive. Philipp's eyes are closed and the two of them are moving to the soft sounds of the piano. I know the melody and the singer's voice. It's Dead by April, but I can't figure out the song.
