***
The last week was terrible. I haven't heard anything from Philipp, at least not directly. Not knowing how he's doing is driving me crazy and not knowing where we stand hurts. I miss him and my fear that there's no going back for us is eating me up. Élias picked up Philipp's things straight after our phone call, but didn't say anything else. Just like the rest of the week. We talk about all sorts of things, as usual, but not about this. The elephant in the room…
"What are you doing today?"
"Nika has practice until 9 pm. We haven't talked about what we're going to do after that."
"Do you think maybe the four of us could...?"
Élias looks at me sympathetically. "Didn't he answer?"
Shaking my head, I rest my chin on the palm of my hand and my gaze wanders into nothingness.
"I don't know much either, okay. But Nika says Philipp isn't doing well. He doesn't talk much and listens even less. She says he's fighting, but she doesn't know what. Give him time." I don't want to hear that. I wrote to Philipp again and again all week.
"Hey... I just wanted to hear how you're doing?"
"Hey...I haven't heard from you for two days now. I hope everything's okay with you so far?"
"Hey... I have no idea what happened Friday night. But if I hurt you in any way or got too close to you, I'm so sorry, please believe me. I didn't mean to."
No reply, nothing. Not even two blue ticks to indicate that he has read the message.
"It's only been a week, I know it feels like an eternity, but it's not."
"Just let me come with you when you pick up Nika. I'll drive you there and then leave, but I need to see him. Just see him. Nothing else. I promise." Begging isn't really my thing, but I'm desperate... and so empty.
Chapter 23
Philipp
"Why is he doing that?" My voice is quiet. I can barely hear myself against the loud voice in my head.
"YOU ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE EVER! DID YOU SERIOUSLY THINK HE WANTED TO FUCK YOU? I TOLD YOU NOBODY WANTS YOU BUT ME, BUT YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BELIEVE ME. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET NOW. YOU'RE ALONE! AND YOU ALWAYS WILL BE. NOT EVEN YOUR NAKED ASS COULD CONVINCE HIM. THERE'S NOTHING ABOUT YOU THAT HE WANTS. LITERALLY NOTHING. THAT'S SO PATHETIC."
His voice is no longer just loud, sometimes he's mocking me, like right now. I can't get him out of my head, he has something to say about everything, he makes me feel insecure. Not just when it comes to Adrien, but always, and I feel like I don't know anything anymore. Not even myself. Especially not myself.
A week after... the incident, Adrien came to the studio for the first time with Élias to pick up Nika. Up until then, I tried to avoid him. I didn't read his messages, because honestly, what would he write after I got everything so wrong. I understood that he doesn't want me, I don't need to read it in black and white. It hurts enough as it is... I really thought he might like me. So stupid.
He's been there every time for two weeks, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, even at our gig last Saturday. With Élias, in the front row. Why does he have to torture me like this?
"What do you mean?" Nika looks at me questioningly from the side.
"Why is he here? Why can't he leave me alone?"
She wants to reply quickly, but then stops, her mouth agape. Her eyes are narrowed, and she blinks rapidly. "What?"
How can she not understand... "Why can't he leave me alone? He didn't want me, he rejected me." So embarrassing... with my pants down... "What does he want here?"
"He wants to see you. Adrien is missing you, and even if he's never told me, it's absolutely obvious." Her look is sympathetic, and I hate it.
"He could have had me... he rejected me. I don't think he could have made it any clearer." My voice breaks at these words, I've never been so ashamed.
"You haven't been listening to me for the last two weeks, have you? Let's start again. Do you know why he didn't want to have sex with you? Because he had the feeling you weren't comfortable with it. Because he felt you were scared. Adrien wanted you, but not like that, not at that price. If you ask me, he did the only right thing." Nika's words feel like a slap in the face.
"What do you mean?" There is uncertainty in my voice. I'm sure I've done everything right. Adrien lifted my t-shirt, so I dropped my pants and got ready. I mean, that's how it works, isn't it?
"COME ON, DON'T BE SO COY! YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT, ON ALL FOURS WITH YOU! LET ME SEE YOUR ASSHOLE!"
