"You look completely wrecked. We didn't drink that much yesterday, and we weren't home that late. Or did you go out for a second time?"
I close my eyes to breathe in and out deeply. "No, but I couldn't really sleep. I don't know how long I lay awake. You rang me out of bed."
"Oops, sorry!" I can tell from his grin alone that he's not sorry at all, not even a little bit. The sarcastic undertone wouldn't even have been necessary, but it underlines the essence of the statement.
"What are you doing here? Do we have a date? Did I forget something?"
"Nowwe have a date. Nika is on her way to a gig in Karlsruhe and I'm bored." It's always like that and I love it. Our friendship is so uncomplicated. "Get dressed, I get a complex if I see you shirtless for too long. Besides, I'm hungry, let's go for something to eat."
This guy... I shake my head with a laugh and disappear into my bedroom.
***
Half an hour later, we're sitting in a small café with coffee, croissants and apple tarts. Best breakfast ever!
"So, what did you think about last night?"
"I don't know, that's why I was up so late."
"What do you mean?" Élias takes a hearty bite of his second croissant.
"Ah, I don't know, but I can't really tell where I stand with Philipp. Whether I bore the hell out of him or get on his nerves or whether he's just shy or inexperienced."
Élias nods affirmatively with his mouth full.
"You know that I... that I find him very intriguing, and I’d like to get to know him better, but I don't want to be pushy or hassle him or anything. I have no idea what to do."
Élias clears his throat, he always does that when he wants to say something but doesn't know exactly how. "Okay, listen. I spoke to Nika last night because I felt the same way about Philipp as you did." I raise my eyebrows expectantly. "Nika doesn't tell her friends' stories, not even to me. But she asked me to tell you not to give up on him, if you’re serious with Philipp. That it probably won't be easy, but that it's worth giving him time and fighting for him."
Okay, that I can do.
Philipp
For hours, my head has been spinning thinking about Adrien – I cannot get him out of my mind. Adrien Delfosse is an absolutely fascinating man. That's why I don't understand what he wants from me. Why he’s looking at me like…that. There is still a legit option that maybe I'm completely wrong... maybe he's just totally nice and is like that with everyone.
I press the heels of my hands into my eyes in frustration and inhale deeply. I'd like to scream out loud, but I don't think that would go down too well in the middle of my math class.
Adrien is not at all what I expected when I saw him for the first time. His look screamed "bad boy - hands off!", with his clearly visible tattoos on his arms and the piercings. And he has these steel gray eyes and short dark brown hair. He looks so hard and cool on the outside. Not to mention the fact that I would never dare to approach any man anyway. But Adrien is so out of my league – I would watch him from a safe distance, certainly nothing more.
***
When I arrive at the studio a few hours later, Nika is already there stretching her feet. I give her a quick kiss on the cheek and take her in my arms. A few of the others look at me funny and I know exactly why. No one is allowed to do that except me. She doesn't even hug the others unless it's necessary for the choreography, then she can tolerate it, otherwise not a chance.
I'm the same, I don't like being touched either, but it's different for me. My mind associates touch with either pain, which is bad, or with expectations. What feels kind of worse, because since my ex, I no longer know what normal expectationsare. What does someone want from me when they put their hand on my shoulder? What does it mean? What do I have to do? So many questions in my head at once and I have no answers.
"So, what’s up with you? Still daydreaming, with that French boy in the leading role?”
Shaking my head I snort laughing and give Nika the finger.
"I know I'm right, stop pretending I'm not! That doesn't work with me! What's wrong?"
That woman just knows me too well already. "Not completely wrong. I... I just don't know what to think of him. What does he want from me? I mean, is he just being nice and friendly, or does he want more? I don't know how I should act around him. I don't know if I can answer him when he asks me a question, if I can look him in the eye? If he touches me, what does that mean, what do I have to do? I don't know anything anymore; I’ll only do everything wrong..." I hang my head in frustration.
"Philipp, look at me. In the eye, not at my feet." That woman... seriously now. "Seriously, where are all these thoughts coming from? You don'thaveto do anything, and you can't do anything wrong. There is no fixed set of rules for how to get to know each other and which reaction has to follow what action. There is only one thing youmustdo. Youmustlisten to yourself, what you want, what is right for you. Everything else doesn't matter. I've met Adrien a few times now and I really like him. He is open and honest, and he takes the people around him completely without judgment and as they are. I know you don't think you're good enough for him, which is complete bullshit if you ask me, but maybe you'll let him decide for himself?"
"But how should I be when I see him?"
"Just be yourself!"
