"But, weren't you afraid? That he wouldn't want to take it any further if you were... you? I mean, how did you manage to be so open?"
"It wasn't really a conscious decision. I had a panic attack on our first date. When I realized it was coming and that I couldn't control it, I sent him away, but he didn't leave. He didn't laugh at me, but he didn't pity me either. For the first time, I didn't feel like an absolute freak afterwards. But Élias was always completely open with me too, he never pretended. He was so vulnerable. That made it easier for me. With him I never had the feeling that I had to fulfill any role, any expectations. I still don't."
It sounds so simple when she says that, but nothing is simple with me, because no one will come up with my story on their own. Not even close. And talking about it is very difficult. How do you explain to another person that you were with someone for over three years who always kept you down, degraded and humiliated you, who hurt you... mentally... and physically.
I sit down in a wide side split and let my upper body fall to the floor between my legs. One of the few stretching exercises where I can still feel something.
I slowly increase the tension on my inner thighs and pull myself a little further forward until I find the right pain.Hold, hold on now, maybe pull again. Just a little.When the pain finally releases and the endorphins and euphoria flow through my body and mind, I let my head fall forward.
"What's your story, Philipp? You have one, or you wouldn't be so in your head over Adrien."
It's a good thing I'm still lying with my head on the floor and I don't have to look at Nika. "The relationship with my ex-boyfriend was... difficult. And I..." I don't know why, but my head lifts and my eyes search hers. "I'm afraid it's going to happen to me again."
Chapter 8
Adrien
Bluebird - Luca Fogale
Loud music is playing in my car as I wait outside Élias's front door for him to finally come downstairs so we can leave. We have a date with Nika. Well, he has a date with Nika, and I'm allowed to tag along.
That might sound a bit pathetic, but it doesn't feel that way. I really enjoy being out with them. It's always relaxed and fun. And nothing has changed from yesterday when he found out I was gay. I was so scared, but it didn't matter to him at all. When we said goodbye, he gave me his usual hug. I am so incredibly relieved. I have no idea what I would have done if I'd been alone again from one second to the next.
But right now, I am alone. In my car in front of his house. I had hoped we could leave on time. We're picking up Nika from practice and it would be stupid if she had to wait. I mean, honestly, it's already dark outside at this time of the year.
The passenger door is pulled open with a yank and Élias drops onto the passenger seat with a grin. "Hey, hey, so on time today! What's up with you? Can't wait to see Philipp again?"
Okay, maybe that's why I want to pick up Nika from practice on time, because I'm maybe just a little bit hoping that I'll see Philipp. I really can't hide anything from Élias, nothing at all. I drop my head onto the steering wheel.
"I got you!" Élias grins all over his face. "But I promise, we won’t be too late. They want to try out a new song after training today. I rather suspect that we'll even have to wait a little longerfor them to finish. And no, don't be embarrassed. Philipp is an attractive man; I can understand why you like him. And he's nice, always friendly. Shy and reserved, but you've already noticed that yourself. Nika really likes him, and you know, that's saying something."
***
I can't look away. The song is slow and haunting. Their bodies move to the music as if they were one. They are constantly moving towards and away from each other, the movements smooth and flowing, merging from him to her and from her to him.
Their eyes are usually closed and yet they always find each other. When they look at each other, it is intense and captivating, their touch is so sensual, so intimate, so full of longing.
"That's really beautiful, isn't it?" Élias snaps me out of my trance.
I swallow hard and nod. "Aren't you jealous when you see Nika like this with another man?"
He shakes his head with a grin. "No, they're dancing. They're both in the music, not with each other. Emotionally, you know?"
I'm probably looking at him like a total idiot, because Élias laughs. "It's about the music. What they do together is just a means to an end, to express what the music triggers in them. It's good for Nika and she's super happy that she's met someone in Philipp who shares this with her. She says she feels more herself since she's been doing this."
The longer I watch the two of them, the more I admire Élias. The knot in my chest gets bigger and bigger and I'm afraid it's jealousy. As if I had a right to be that. Jealous. "How long have they been practicing this choreography?"
"They dance together two or three times a week, depending on how it suits them. But this is not a set choreography tonight, it’s improvised." It looks so coordinated, so planned, every hand in the right place, every touch matching the beat in the music.
I am captivated by the music and the connection that Nika and Philipp have, their blind understanding and trust. And I am captivated by the way Philipp moves. Every muscle is tense, nothing is arbitrary. The way he stretches his back, the way he grips Nika, firm and secure, his steps light as a feather and yet powerful. So elegant and so soft and yet so masculine compared to her. I've seen him dance before, even with Nika. But that was HipHop, it was loud and fast. This is... I don't know what this style is called, but it’s loud too, a different kind of loud. The emotions captured in the song scream out of the two of them so loudly that it almost hurts to watch. It's so vulnerable.
I have to swallow as I watch Nika get down on her knees in front of him in one swift movement, wrapping her arms around his middle and pressing her head against his stomach, and how Philipp first wraps his arms tightly around her, only to push her off him with the next beat of the music and crouch down on the floor in a twist, his arms tight around his own body.
"You're really okay with that?" My voice is scratchy.
"They're telling a love story. But it's not theirs."
"What if it becomes theirs?"
