If Élias is annoyed, he doesn't let it show, he's still smiling. "You really got it bad, huh? And you haven't spoken to anyone about it yet?"
Good joke, to whom? No one's been around since the… situation with my ex came out. I just shrug my shoulders and shake my head. "You aside, I don’t have any friends, and with you I was afraid that it would… change things if you knew…"
"That you're gay." It's not a question, it's a statement. I nod. "Adrien, you're my friend and I don't give a fuck who you're into. If you need someone to listen, I'm here, and if you need advice, I'll try my best. But I don't really have any experience with relationships, so I don't know if I’m much help."
"You’re dating the most gorgeous girl. If you don’t have experience, who does?"
"If it makes you feel any better, I didn't know what I was doing for a long time and there are still moments when I feel like that. You just have to listen to your heart." It sounds so simple, but the last time I listened to my heart, I was branded as the fag hitting on his straight friend afterwards.
"I don't even know if I have a chance... "
Élias clears his throat and scratches his chin. "Well, I think it's okay to tell you this. I only know it from Nika, but if I understood her correctly, Philipp has been out for a long time." I gape at him. "Philipp is gay, Adrien."
Chapter 7
Philipp
It's Wednesday and by now I'm one hundred percent sure I made an absolute fool of myself on Saturday. Adrien was just trying to be nice, and I couldn’t even look him in the eye most of the time. And I really wish I had – his eyes are so beautiful. But I probably won't have the chance now, because a man like Adrien doesn't need to deal with someone like me.
"Hello? Earth to Philipp?"
Oh shit. "Sorry, what did you say?"
"Dreaming of Adrien?" Why is this woman so perceptive? Why does she always know what's going on in my head? That's creepy, damn it!
"Uhh... no?"
Nika laughs, of course she laughs, I would too, with such an obvious lie. "Try again, this time be honest please."
I roll my eyes and exhale loudly. "Yes, happy now?"
"Better, but why didn't you want to tell me?" Her big gray blue eyes look at me questioningly, almost a little hurt.
"Because I made a complete idiot of myself on Saturday. Even if he’d found me exciting then, which I don't even know for sure, he certainly wouldn't have after that night. I don't even know for sure if he likes men, I just had a feeling."
"I don't know for sure either, neither does Élias. We both had the same feeling as you, though. But what was so bad about that night? I can't remember anything particularly terrible."
Probably because my dear friend was more concerned with sticking her tongue down her boyfriend's throat than withAdrien and me. But I can't blame her. Nika and Élias are a great couple. It was the first time I saw them together that I realized I wanted that after… him. Closeness, warmth, tenderness. Everything I never had with him. Before I met Nika and Élias I thought that this was only a thing in Hollywood movies; relationships could never be like that in reality. So, I put that desire away as irrational and stupid. Now I know that there are real relationships that work exactly like that. And even though I still don't know how I'll ever let a man get close to me again, I really want what they have.
"Terrible is relative. I wasn't embarrassing or anything." I hope so at least, oh god... was I embarrassing? I'm not so sure anymore... "But you know how I am. I can't just talk to people casually – especially not men."
"Don't worry so much. If Adrien is really interested in you, he won't let that put him off." Nika lovingly ruffles my curls with one hand. She likes doing this because she knows it calms me and I lean into her touch.
Nika and I became very close very quickly. To a certain extent it's inevitable when you dance with someone. We have to touch each other, very closely and very intimately. Especially when you dance the way we do, trust is an absolute necessity. She gives me her body and I give her mine and together we give ourselves to the music. It's beautiful, and I'm glad that no feelings ever jeopardize what we have. But it's not enough, not what I really need.
"If he can't take you as you are, he's not worth it anyway."
"I'm difficult..."
"Me too. Nevertheless, Élias loves me with everything, faults and all." Nika really is a complicated person, so I get what she’s saying. I really admire Élias for his calmness in dealing with her, how he immediately recognizes what she needs and brings her back from her dark thoughts and fears. If you didn'tknow, you wouldn't even realize it. I've seen the two of them together several times in the last two months, after practice or after competitions. That’s when I asked myself if there might be someone out there for me too. Who accepts me for who I am. I want that, so much, but my fear of getting back with someone like my ex is so overwhelmingly huge.
Every time a man is nice to me, I try to find what I'm missing, why he's playing up to me. I don’t want to give anyone power over me by missing the warning signs. "How did you know Élias was one of the good guys?"
Nika smiles. "That's easy to answer. He never left, never left me alone when I was feeling bad. No matter how bad the circumstances were."
Huh... that's a new concept for me. I quickly learned with my ex that it's not good for me if I'm... not available to the extent he’s used to.
"DON'T MAKE SUCH A FACE! AREN'T YOU HAPPY TO SEE ME? AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU ANYMORE? AM I NOT WORTH YOU PULLING YOURSELF TOGETHER FOR ME? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT YOU LOVE ME IF YOU WON'T LET ME FUCK YOU?"
