“It’s fine. I’m so sorry for waking you up,” I murmured, and he shook his head.
“It’s alright,” he promised me, and I was sure he meant it, but I still felt like a shitty roommate.
Throwing back my blanket, I rolled out of bed and pulled on some shorts. Slipping out into the hallway and closing our bedroom door, I sank down onto the carpet, my back up against the wall.
“Mom, the doctors said you’re not supposed to drink anymore. They said it’s going to kill you.”
“It’s going to kill me if Idon’tdrink,” she replied. I’d heard that one before, too many times. I didn’t have any words left to beg her to stop or try to convince her. I’d spent too long focusing my energy on that, and had only succeeded in making myself feel helpless. I knew it was the same for my sister. “I just want to talk.”
“Okay,” I finally agreed, squeezing my eyes closed. She wasn’t a bad person, or even a bad mom, really. She was just…Trapped. Trapped by her addiction. And I didn’t know how to help her. She needed professional help, rehab and therapy, but had never been able to afford it. Even if she could, there would have been no one to take care of my sister and I while she’d been in it. Our dad had left before I’d even been born. I’d never met him. “I’m here.”
She talked for what felt like a long time, about our neighbors and some of the drama that was happening in the trailer park I’d grown up in. Someone’s daughter was pregnant, and someone’s son was hooked on drugs. The usual. It made it seem like a dangerous place to live, but it really wasn’t. Just chaotic.
“Well, I’m getting tired, so I’ll let you go, honey,” she finally said.
“Okay, Mom,” I answered. I’d have to call her tomorrow to make sure she was alright. Kristen lived two hours away from her. They’d had to move for her husband’s job. She came and checked on our mom as much as she could, but the long drive wasn’t easy on their car. It wasn’t easy on mine either, but I didn’t have a choice. “I’ll come see you this weekend.”
“You will?” She said, sounding happy. “That sounds fun. Let’s get some popcorn and watch some movies like we used to.”
“Yeah. I’ll see you soon.”
When the call ended, I dragged my knees up to my chest, pressing my face into them. It would have been better for her if I could have stayed there, but without a college degree, I’d never make enough to change things. I’d be stuck in the same depressing cycle as everyone else in my family. Living paycheck to paycheck, always just one bad week away from having the lights turned off or having the eviction notice slapped up on the door. And if she could hang on long enough for me to get a good job with my business degree, then I could get her some real help, but… I didn’t want to think about the alternative. Icouldn’tthinkabout the alternative. If I didn’t push it out of my mind, replace it with something else, I’d go insane.
The burn at the back of my eyes and throat forced a shudder out of me, and I dragged a hand through my hair. My fingers trembled as I picked my phone back up. I don’t know what came over me, or what I was thinking as I scrolled through my contacts, stopping onhim.
My heart smacked up into my ribs, my pulse racing as I realized how stupid and selfish and pathetic I was to even consider doing this. It rang twice, the third time cutting short as he answered. The sound of his voice, rough with sleep, poured out from the receiver into my ear.
“What’s going on, Cupcake? You need me?”
CAELYX
DRINK WATER, THEYsay. Staying hydrated is one of the most important parts of your health. Well, if I didn’t drink so much damn water during the day I probably wouldn’t wake up to take a piss every night at 3:00 AM like clockwork. But when my phone lit up as I stumbled back to my bed, I’d never been more grateful to be awake at that ungodly hour. Aspen’s name, with a cupcake emoji on either side, glowed like a beacon on my screen. My brain was barely functioning, since I was usually in a half-sleep type of mode during these urination rituals. But even with the partial cognizance, a twinge of worry sprang up, as well as a hyper awareness that his needs took precedence over my comfort and recommended eight hours of sleep.
“What’s going on, Cupcake? You need me?” I asked, bringing my phone up to my ear. I half expected it to only be silent on the other end of the line. Maybe he’d rolled over onto his phone and butt dialed me or something.
I heard the sound of his shaky breathing, like he was scared or upset, and I shook my head to clear it and encourage my brain to wake up.
“I, um… I’m sorry,” he finally spoke. “I didn’t expect you to actually answer. Did I wake you up?”
“No,” I said quickly. “No, I was awake.” It was technically true. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” he answered, and I knew it was a lie. But getting information from Aspen, especially information that paintedhim with any kind of vulnerability or weakness, was like pulling teeth. So I changed my strategy.
“Where are you?” I asked. “Where’s Ren? Is he with you?”
“He’s sleeping. I’m just outside our room in the hall. I didn’t want to keep him awake.”
“Okay,” I said, keeping my tone light and gentle. But I tucked my phone against my ear with my shoulder as I dragged on a pair of jeans. “What happened?”
“Nothing,” he insisted again. “I don’t know why I called. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry, Cupcake. I just want to know why you’re upset.”
Quietly slipping out of my room and through the living room, I closed the front door with a near-silent click behind me before engaging the lock and heading toward BBU.
“I’m not,” he lied again. “I’m just… I don’t know. It’s the middle of the night. I’m fucking tired.”
“You couldn’t sleep?” I guessed, and waited patiently for him to decide what he wanted to reveal, my long strides eating up the pavement as I made my way down the silent, empty street.
