I spotted a tiny crack in Sebastian’s mask before his face hardened again. “I don’t need to ask Diya anything. Iknowyou received the letter when I first sent it. Do you know how?” He took a step toward me, his eyes smoldering with anger. “Because you wrote me back.”
The ground fell away beneath my feet. I swayed, reeling at the revelation. “That’s impossible.”
“Is it? I can tell you what you said, word for word.” His voice was clipped, his recitation cold and deliberate. “Sebastian, thank you for your note, but I’m afraid there’s been a misunderstanding. Our relationship isn’t, and has never been, anything more than a semi-friendly rivalry. I appreciate that you’ve developed romantic feelings for me, but in the spirit of full transparency, I don’t feel the same. I just don’t see you that way. I’m sorry. However, I don’t want to make things awkward since our families are friends, and we’ll be attending the same college. So for the sake of preserving our peace, let’s chalk your letter up to misguided infatuation and pretend it never happened. Please don’t mention any of this again. Best, Maya.”
Nausea curdled my stomach. I wanted to throw up. I wasn’t sure what sickened me more—the casual cruelty of that response or the fact Sebastian had memorized every word.
For fourteen years, he’d lived with the mistaken knowledge that I knew how he felt and didn’t care. Every conversation we’d had, every moment we’d shared—tainted by some evil alternate version of me who’d tossed his feelings aside like trash.
How could he stand to look at me after that?
“I didn’t write that.” My voice sounded too thick and wateryto be mine. I kept shivering, my skin icy despite the heat blasting through the vents. “I—”
“I still have it,” Sebastian said, his tone cutting. “Your response, signed and dated withyoursignature.”
No.That couldn’t be right. Someone had to have forged my signature, or… or…
Doubt clawed at me. Had I somehow blacked out and actually written that response? Even if I had, the odds of me completely forgetting about his letterandmine were slim to none.
There had to be another explanation, but I’d figure it out later. I had a more urgent problem to fix at the moment.
“Seb.” I grasped his arms, my chest pinching at the way he stiffened at my touch. “I swear on my entire family’s life that Ineverwrote it. I don’t know who did. But youknowme. Even if I didn’t—even if I felt that way, I wouldn’t have responded so callously.”
Sebastian stared down at me. For a second, I thought I might’ve gotten through to him, but then he shook his head and pulled free of my hold.
“Fine.” The anger drained from his face, and he suddenly looked exhausted. “You didn’t get the letter, and you didn’t write that response. It doesn’t matter. I told you,in person, how I felt last month. I asked whether you felt the same, and you didn’t. That’s all there is to it. We don’t need to rehash something that happened over a decade ago when I already have my answer.”
“But you don’t. That wasn’t…” I dragged in another unsteady breath and spoke carefully. I had to get this right. It was my last chance. “I didn’thavean answer at the wedding because I was scared, okay? Scared that things were changing too fast and I wouldn’t know where we’d end up. I don’t like change, and I hate uncertainty. They’re inevitable, but you—us—that’salwaysbeen something I could count on to stay the same. So when I started to feel… differently toward you, I didn’t know what to do. I wasterrified of ruining that stability. Most of all, I was terrified of howrealthings felt with you. You made me feel so seen and wanted, and I both loved and hated it because that type of relationship would require me to show up. Showing up means risk. It means potentially getting hurt. And I think…” My voice hitched. “I think any hurt that came from losing you would devastate me more than never having you to begin with.”
Sebastian’s face was so stony, he appeared carved out of marble. If it weren’t for the uneven rise and fall of his chest, I would’ve thought he hadn’t heard me at all.
“When you asked how I felt, the doubts started,” I said. “I wanted to say yes, but being in a different country, knowing we’d slept together the night before… I wasn’t sure if we were just caught up in the moment. What if the sex was clouding our judgment? What if I was something you needed to get out of your system, and you get bored with me in a few months? This was before I found your letter, and I couldn’t stop second-guessing everything. I panicked, so I didn’t give you a real answer. But I’ve had two weeks to sit and digest everything, and honestly…” My chin wobbled. “I missed you. So much. I had a taste of what life would be like without you, and the emptiness of it overshadowed all of my earlier doubts.”
Sebastian didn’t move a muscle. He stared at me, his eyes unreadable, the lines in his neck corded with tension.
“What I’m trying to say is…” My heart climbed into my throat. It was my turn to lay all my cards on the table, and as petrifying as that was, I had to do it. I would never forgive myself if I didn’t. “I’ve found my answer. You asked whether I felt the same about you as you do me. The answer is yes.”
His composure finally cracked, and a ragged breath exploded out of him. “Don’t,” he said, the word tight with barely restrained emotion.
I took another step toward him, the ache in my chest so sharp it burned. “You wanted the truth. That’s mine.”
A flicker of anguish passed through his eyes before he tore his gaze away, his throat working with a hard swallow. “I can’t do this again.” His voice was so low, I almost didn’t hear him. “I’ve spentyearswaiting for you, hoping—” He cut himself off, his jaw clenching. “I was done. You don’t get to walk in after everything and upend my world again.”
Wasdone. Notamdone.
Past tense.
A tiny spark of hope fluttered behind my rib cage.
“I know,” I whispered. I closed the remaining distance between us and pressed a soft, tentative kiss to his jaw. Another shudder ran through him, but he didn’t push me away. “I know you don’t have a good reason to believe me. But I have to try.”
My lips lingered on his skin. It was warm and rough with the faintest hint of stubble.
Sebastian closed his eyes, every muscle in his body coiling as if it hurt to have me this close. I slowly kissed my way across his jaw, one hand lightly braced against his chest. I could feel the rapid thump of his heart beneath my palm.
I’d said everything I wanted to say, and I wouldn’t blame him if he thought it wasn’t enough. If my late-night confession didn’t make up for the years of pain I’d put him through, knowingly or not.
But I hoped against hope that he tasted the depth of my honesty, and that he’d give us a chance even after all the lies and misunderstandings.
