“Which must mean your injury came with quite the emotional blow.”
I laugh quietly when I see how she connected all that. “Yes. Both times.”
“Was this most recent injury in line with when you started having marital issues?”
I pause to think. “Not really, but it definitely didn’t help.”
“So, you’re a man who admits that his wife and football are his two greatest loves, and now… you’re faced with the fear of losing both.”
The emotional blow hits me right in the center of my chest, so I give another silent nod when I can’t find words.
Dr. Lee sets her notebook aside, and leans in, resting her chin on her fist as she stares.
“Your father’s love depended on performance, on meeting expectations. But now that he’s no longer here, is it possible that… you’ve taken his place? Does your love for yourself depend on your ability to perform?”
She pauses, letting me think for a moment.
“I’ll reframe the question a bit. When you can’t perform, when you feel like you’ve missed the mark inanyarea of your life… what does that signal to you?”
I shift in my seat. “I… I guess I don’t know.”
She nods. “The question was about more than just football, but let’s start there. Perhaps it’d be simpler to tell me what changed when you got injured.”
I think deeper, and the answer comes easily. “I wasn’t starting anymore. I wasn’t playing. I wasn’t needed. I lost my value.”
Those words hang there.
“And when you feel you’ve lost value?”
“I get angry and losemyself.”
I’m motionless, deep in thought as I stare at the gray carpet beneath my feet, processing everything. I travel back in time to when I first got hurt, long before I returned to Cypress Pointe. Damaging my shoulder was the start of a spiral that I don’t even think I recognized at the time. It got worse when Blue and I tried fertility treatment over and over again, only to come out of such a long, grueling process with the sense that it had all been for nothing. And then those feelings deepened when it felt like all I could do was fail in my marriage, despite wanting nothing more than to make it work.
It felt like one disappointment after another.
Or maybe… it felt like Iwasthe disappointment.
“Well, I know there’s been a lot to unpack here in one session, but I do have one final question for you. We’ve talked about what makes you feel disconnected, so I’m curious to know when you feel most like yourself?”
She’s challenged me too many times to count, and we’re just getting started, but this question is by far the easiest to answer.
“When I’m not trying to prove something.”
Dr. Lee smiles. “That’s a good place to start.”
I smile back, standing to my feet not feeling fixed or lighter. Just… aware.
“Same time next week?”
I shake Dr. Lee’s hand when she offers it. “I’ll be here.”
*
@QweenPandora:
#KingMidas was spotted leaving the medical building that houses the practice of his ortho doc two days in a row. There haven’t been any official updates on how his recovery is going, but could this be an indication?
Now that Reed’s seemingly out of the picture, and with our king on sabbatical… what’s the future looking like for the Emperors?
