My gaze shifts toward the window as I settle in. “Because I… was starting to hate who I’d become. And I’d like to not hate myself.”
I don’t say more after that, because I’m thinking about it all—the arguments with Blue, the anger, the drinking, the fight and arrest.
“It may seem like an obvious observation to make about yourself, but you’d be surprised how many people don’t allow themselves to go this deep with their thoughts. Self-reflection can be uncomfortable.”
Yeah, no shit.
“You mentioned there being issues within your marriage. Tell me a little about that.”
I stretch my legs, gathering my thoughts. “We’ve been together since high school, and we married young because I knew my career was about to take off.”
“Why was marrying her before your career took off important to you?”
I think back to college. Back to that afternoon I met up with Ricky to tell him what I decided. Back to how certain I was about Blue even then.
“Because there was never a doubt that she was what I wanted. It didn’t sit right with me that she might later look back on our wedding day with the feeling that our lifestyle eclipsed something so important.”
Dr. Lee nods. “A very keen line of thinking for someone in college.”
“Choosing her was always just easy. Out of everything I’ve done in my life, loving her is the one thing I never questioned whether I got it right.”
“Considering your status, the career you’ve built for yourself, that’s quite the statement.”
“I’m not blowing smoke up your ass,” I laugh. “It’s just the truth.”
I’m silent while Dr. Lee writes, and my relationship with Blue flashes before my eyes. It seems like it was just yesterday when I spotted her at a party out at my family’s Bellvue mansion. I’ll never forget the feeling when we locked eyes through that bonfire. It was like the entire world stopped moving and then decided to orbitherinstead of the sun. I’ve loved her for so long and having her in my life has probably saved it. More than once.
“And yet, you’re here,” Dr. Lee replies, and that sits with me, hearing her point out that despite my deep love for my wife… something still went wrong.
“Yeah,” I say under my breath. “I see your point.”
“So, let’s dig into that. Since we’ve established that your love for your wife is still intact, perhaps we should discuss when your love foryourselfbegan to wane.”
Another heavy revelation I’m not sure how to unpack.
“Tell me about your childhood, your formative years.”
“My brothers and I are really close. I’m close enough to my mother, but there were periods where things were strained.”
Dr. Lee nods. “And your father? What can you tell me aboutthatrelationship?”
I open my mouth then close it again. “It was rocky. But he passed away a few years ago, so…”
“Sorry for your loss.”
“Thanks.”
She makes a note, then focuses on me again. “In what way would you say that relationship was rocky?”
My gaze lowers to my lap. “He was hard to read, mostly because ninety percent of what came out of his mouth was lies. He was also highly manipulative, made me and my brothers feel like his love for us was hinged on how well we performed.”
“At football?”
“At everything,” I say, pausing a beat to let my thoughts form. “We had to be the best at everything, and also be careful not to outshine him. It was this… sadistic, choreographed life none of us ever asked for. And he lorded money and status over our heads so much that, now that we’re adults, those things mean very little to us.”
“Hmm. That must mean you truly love football to have gone so far with it without money being a motivator.”
I nod, but don’t speak.
