Wiping my eyes, I walked out. I watched him take his overcoat from the couch and quickly leave the chamber.
I immediately ran after him and grabbed his hand.
“Where are you going?” I asked.
He turned to look at me and cupped my cheeks, urging me to meet his gaze. The sudden effect made me shift onto my toes.
Tears filled his eyes, and he gulped before speaking.“Suman, this is just going to hurt both of us. Please think and give yourself time. You’ll figure out what you want, and that’s definitely not me.”
I shook my head.“But you are the one I need,”
He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against mine.
“With time, you’ll know,” he said, stepping away from me.“And don’t worry. I won’t do anything that will hurt you. And never think there was or will be anyone else in my heart. If it’s not you, then it’s no one else.” Saying that, he walked away.
I let the tears flow down my cheeks, trying to steady myself. My breaths grew deeper.
After crying my heart out, I wiped my tears and walked out after he left.
?????
For a few days, I was furious and distraught with him. I couldn’t believe he left me alone when I cried and begged him to stay. I needed him the most when I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I needed him to hold me tight.
I was waiting for him to return. Days turned into weeks; it had been over eight months since he had gone.
After a few months, my anger faded, and I returned to my everyday life. The smile that had once vanished from my lips slowly returned with the events unfolding in the palace.
Princess Rudraja was growing up. She began eating solid food and became a bubbly, stubborn, and active child. When Nandani would be tired, I would take her with me. Unknowingly, she always reminded me of her Kaako-sa.
I spent most of my time talking, laughing, and playing with her. Her birthday was approaching, but not just yet.
Kunwar-sa had been in Mehrangarh since he left, while Princess Rashmika had been in Suryagarh. At Ranaji’s request, they both refused to marry.
Meanwhile, I found women could develop romantic feelings for other women. I was initially shocked to learn about it.
But Nandani explained it to me, and then I understood that Princess Rashmika and Kunwar-sa never had feelings for each other. She loved someone else, and that someone was a woman.
After knowing that, I felt foolish. Very, very silly.
I wish I had listened to Kunwar-sa that day and had believed him when he said they were just friends.
But let bygones be bygones.
Surprisingly, after he left and after all the time I spent alone, missing him—emotionally, lovingly, and admiringly—I realised something different within myself.
Now there was peace. It was so still.
After he left me, I understood what had happened to me. I learned that despite telling him I would never judge him or that his past wouldn’t matter to me, it did because I had feelings for him. I was developing feelings for him.
When I married the first time, I also told him that his past didn’t matter to me. I was a happy girl then; I didn’t know what heartbreak meant. I didn’t realise that my dead husband held so much power to break me.
But when I told the same thing to Kunwar Agastya, I wasn’t a happy girl, but a suffering woman who knew what this man could do to me. That’s where my insecurity and distrust grew.
Unknowingly, whatever he told me about his past, I placed myself in the shoes of the women he slept with and left. But I failed to understand that it was consensual, since those women didn’t want more from Kunwar-sa either.
Meanwhile, Kunwar-sa didn’t share all that to hurt me or make me feel like one of those women.
I failed to understand that he confided in me because he sought comfort. He wanted to lighten his burden and make me feel more important. He wanted me to believe that I deserved to know the truth.
