Sitting up, I leaned my elbows on my knees and stared out the window to see the bright city skyline. JP had blackout curtains, but I loved keeping them open when we fell asleep because he had a beautiful view of the morning sunrise.
While Michigan was only four hours from here, it felt like it was a million miles away—and I wanted it to stay that way. I really wished we would’ve invited our families here to Chicago for Thanksgiving instead of us going back to Michigan, but there wouldn’t be enough room for everyone here in JP’s flat.
When I finally laid back down, JP immediately curled around me. With his strong arm anchoring me, I felt safe, and my body finally relaxed. I loved that even in his sleep, he wanted to be near me.
When sleep finally found me, I was transported back to another time in my life when I struggled to sleep…
_________
2013
“I wish I was a bird. They’re so free.” I watched them fly high above the rink in the bright blue sky. “They can fly away to wherever their heart desires,” I said with a wistful sigh.
JP’s silence brought my eyes back down to him, and I was shocked to see him scowling. But no matter how hard or angry he tried to look, his eyes couldn’t fully go there. He had these long eyelashes that framed soft, kind eyes. He looked up at the sky and ran his tongue across his teeth, weighing his words. “You have legs, Ali,” he said forcefully. “You can run.”
“It’s not that simple,” I whispered, the words burning my throat.
“But itis,” he pushed, sounding exasperated. “Itisthat simple.”
Hoping he’d drop it, I laid my head against his strong shoulder. Each time he came back to the Centre Ice between hockey seasons, he seemed to add a ton of muscle.
I’m not sure how long we sat there together in peaceful silence, taking in the August morning, but it was long enough that I was almost falling asleep on him.
“For what it’s worth,” he whispered so softly I almost couldn’t hear, “you can always be a bird with me.” He dropped a kiss on my hair. “I’d never trap you.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, willing myself not to cry, but it was no use. “When do you have to go?” I asked. JP finally got called up to the AHL, where Colt and Kappy were already playing. I knew he’d be unreachable as soon as he left this bench. Over the years, he’d left multiple times to play hockey in different cities, but he always came back here in the summers. This time would be different. I think we both knew it, too. He was becoming a star.
He swallowed hard and rolled his shoulders back. “About two hours ago.” Blowing out a breath, he stood and beeped his truck in the parking lot. “I wanna stay, but…” He shook his head. “I gotta get going, Al.” As we stared at each other on the sidewalk, his eyes glassed over. “Fuck,” he muttered under his breath, breaking eye-contact to rub his eyes.
I walked straight into his chest and his arms automatically wrapped around me. My shoulders shook from my own tears. I didn’t want to let him go, but Iknew I couldn’t hold on to him either. It was ironic, really. I was the one who wanted to fly away, but I had to stay here for my dreams. He wanted to stay here in Michigan, but he needed to leave for his.
“Just promise me one thing,” he said.
I looked up at him.
His chest heaved with a breath. “Don’t move in with Rossi, okay?”
“JP,” I sighed.
“Please, Ali. I don’t trust him.” His grey eyes bore into me.
“I know you don’t.” I rested my forehead against his chest and took in a deep breath. Pulling away from him, I twisted my fingers into a knot. “I don’t have plans to move in with him.”
He stared at my fingers for a brief second before forcing himself to look away. His jaw tightened. “This is your last season, right?”
“Yeah, it’s my last shot.” I had one more chance to make an Olympic run in February. Either way, I was retiring from competitive figure skating next year.
“Okay.” His jaw hardened and he forced himself to take a step back. “Be safe, Ali. Call me if you need anything.”
I gave a hurried nod and quickly turned away. I didn’t want to cry anymore and make this harder than it was. I needed to get it together. He wasn’t my boyfriend. No, my actual boyfriend, Mark, was somewhere inside the rink. But JP…
JP was my best friend.
And I loved him.
But we couldn’t be together. The only times there was tension between us was when we tried to date, so we never tried again. He was too important to me. Our relationship was too important to me, and I think he felt the same way.
Besides, my love for JP was different than my love for Mark.
