“Can you take me to my car?” I asked quietly.
“Thought you didn’t need this right now,” he muttered, not meeting my eyes.
“C’mon,” I nudged him. “Can you just take me to my car?”
“So you do need me?” he asked, his eyes were blank and gave nothing away.
His question irked me, and I sat there blinking at him, wondering how his tone could shift so fast.
“TJ…I-”
“No, I think you can do it all by yourself, Ellie. You clearly don’t need me.”
I whirled on my heel then and marched to the door feeling a manic laugh rise in my throat. I knew the other shoe would fall. I knew he’d just end up hurting me. I needed to leave before it gotworse.
But I made it to his door and came to an abrupt stop.
I thought about walking by myself through the city all the way to the dark parking garage where I left my car… and it felt like the room was closing in on me.
My mind spiraled into all the what if’s. I closed my eyes against the mounting fear and balled my fists so hard I felt myself shake.
Yes, they were intrusive thoughts, but there was an underlying worry stemming from a real memory… from five years ago… that I couldn’t shake. The worry whispered that it could happen.
It happened all the time.
It happened to girls like me.
It happened to me.
The tears came to my eyes then, and I struggled to keep my voice even as I called back, “Can you please take me to mycar?”
My plea was met with silence. He didn’t even care to respond.
And that was too much for me.
“Take me to my fucking car!” I screamed in a shrill voice laced with so much desperation, that I absolutely hated it. I hated how weak I sounded.
My vision of the door was blurred with tears. I hated that I was ruined. I hated that I couldn’t do this by myself.
And I hated more than anything that in this moment of anger, I still needed him.
I backed up against his wall and slid down it, covering my face and collapsing into my tears, angry at him, and angry at myself.
A second later, TJ’s arms were around me.
“I’m sorry, babe. I’m sorry,” he keptrepeating.
But the damage was done, and I was gasping for full breaths as I panicked.
When my breathing finally settled down to a normal pace and I stopped shaking, TJ got up and went to hisfridge.
He came back with a Gatorade, and a guilty look on his face.
“I’m sorry, Ellie. You should drink something to pep you up a bit,” he said, handing me the Gatorade. “I didn’t mean…” his voice faded away and he shook his head.
I accepted the drink and wiped my eyes. I’d broken down way too many times in front of him now. It almost felt like I needed to leave him and the memories of embarrassing myself in a locked-up place in my brain to never visit again. It would be easy to do… if it weren’t for the good memories with him that were competing, and winning, against the bad. I didn’t want to erase the handholding, the inside jokes, the kisses, the security blanket that wasTJ.
When I finally felt steady, I started to pick myself up, and TJ reached a hand down to help me up.
