I turned and buried my face in my pillow and let out a frustrated sound. Was he looking for me to admit that I was crushing on him? He was infuriating half the time, but did I find him attractive? I’d have to be blind to say no. Was I pushing him away just to see if he’d care enough to come back? …Maybe.
“I can’t,” I said into my pillow.
“Can’t what, Ellie?”
I turned and sat up to face him head-on. “Trust you, okay? I can’t trustyou.”
He looked like I slapped him, but he kept fighting. “Well, what do you need? References or someshit?”
I felt too exposed to him. “I don’t know, TJ. Maybe, okay?” I said desperately. I was at a loss myself when it came to this. The idea of being so openly vulnerable with someone who was practically a stranger scared the shit out of me. I felt my breathing go choppy at the thought of that and I flung myself back down on my back and crossed my arms.
“Oh my God!” He looked to the ceiling, clearly frustrated. “Thisagain?”
That was fine. I closed my eyes and folded my arms over my chest. He could leave. What did I care?
But what he did next surprised me more than Jules tricking me. Because instead of leaving, he moved toward me and slowly laid down on top of me.
His brown eyes softened and were laced with concern as he stared down into mine.
“See. Now I’m gonna be late to my new team’s meeting because I am here squishing you instead of making coffee. Do you trust me now?”
I chose not to answer.
We laid there in silence for a couple minutes. Listening to his heavy breathing was calming.
I kept my eyes closed, but I felt a tear roll down my cheek as my breathing started to settle into a normal rhythm. I wanted to shut my brain off and be blissfully ignorant once again. But I couldn’t.
He wiped the tear away with his rough hand and kissed my forehead, and that was too much for me. Because I knew how easy it could be to let him in. And deep down, I wanted this. I pushed the possibility of someone like him away for so long… but I secretly wanted to be one of those girls who was part of a nauseatingly cute couple who clearly cared deeply about each other and put each other first before anything or anyone else.
But I also knew how easy it would be for him to leave me.
And how hard it would be to hate him for it afterwards.
I couldn’t put on some cool girl facade. The truth was- I was an anxious mess. And I was difficult. And I knew other girls weren’t. If I wasn’t careful, I’d fall for him just in time for him to go off and find someone normal and easy to love, and I’d be left in the dust, hurting all over again.
I could not afford to let my guard down just because he flashed his dimples at me. I was finally strong enough to stand on my own two feet. I didn’t need to rebuild again.
16. TJ
Walking into the cold rink from the August heat, I couldn’t get Ellie off my mind. The girl had major trust issues, that was for sure. She was a total psycho… But she was my little psycho. She let me comfort her today, and that was a huge leap. Maybe she’d be comfortable enough with me sometime soon to confide in me, but for now, I’d take what I could get.
I needed to get my head in the game though, or else I’d be thrown right back to the minors, and all my progress would vanish.
Make the team, get the girl, I repeated to myself, simple as that.
The lobby of the rink was decked out in red and white, Detroit’s colors, and it donned fatheads of the captains on the wall above the closed concession stand. This small-town rink lived for this time of year when they hosted preseason camp for the Crewmen. I lived for it too, I reminded myself. I still couldn’t believe my luck and hard work had landed me here.
“Vonnie?” An older man standing in the rink’s office addressed me. He was suited up in a hockey sweatsuit with a name badge that read “Keith.”
I’d been so busy checking the place out that I must’ve missed him as I walked in.
“Yes, sir.” I reached out my hand for a firm shake.
“Team’s gathering in the workout room upstairs, kid. Nice to meet you.”
I nodded at him and hustled to get up there, taking two steps at a time.
The workout room spanned the entire length of the arena and was exposed by windows on both sides so that people could view down into the east and west rinks below. I knew this was built solely around the fact that the rink could pack eager fans up here and charge them to view our preseason exhibition scrimmages starting later this week.
