But that was the lie I always told myself. She was the reason every one of my drunk hookups were always with short brunette girls. She was never too far off my mind’s radar.
I felt my chest constricting and I squatted down against it to stretch out my legs.
So what? It’d be an hour that we were in the same place. She was somewhere out there in the world living her life every day, something I bitterly reminded myself of often when I was young and we first separated. I had a hat on, and I’d pull it lower. I’d ignore her son. And I’d have to cut her son. Just as long as I’d be able to figure out his last name.
I couldn’t bear to watch her in the stands every game knowing and thinking about the past. Seeing her with a husband would possibly make me mentally and physically ill. Just thinking about it brought bile to my throat. How could it not? For years I had thought- no, was sure- that I’d be her husband.
But we were just kids when I thought that. Why the fuck did it matter at all? It didn’t.
Damnit. I forced my dry mouth to choke down a swallow as I viewed her under the brim of my hat. Why did she have to look so small up there in the bleachers?
Only her presence could cause so much confusion, making me feel so utterly and fucking alone, but wanting to shelter her at the same time. Wanting to scream at her, but also askwhy? Why not me?
I felt something tap the back of my leg pulling me out of my trance.
“Greys, man,” Max laughed at me. “Y’alright there, bud? Ya look a bit shooken up.”
For a split-second I thought about asking him if he knew she was up there, but I hesitated. I didn’t want him thinking that I cared at all. He had definitely been watching me a second before though, because he turned his head to where I had just been looking. I held my breath, waiting for him to realize.
“Hockey moms, man,” He revealed his toothless smile. He didn’t notice. Max should be smiling about hockey moms. He was exactly their type. Having the appearance of a professional athlete, but one who just missed the NHL, making him reachable in their eyes. He was the perfect mix of tough looking, with a missing tooth, slightly crooked nose, and a face that was never clean shaven, which paired perfectly with his boyish, goofy demeanor. The women flocked to him. I, on the other hand, having played a bit in the NHL, had no luck with women, and didn’t want any either. I used up my luck and I didn’t deserve or want anymore.
“Shut it,” I snapped too fast. Great, I’d probably tipped him off and made him think there was more to it. “Put your tooth in and get a damn haircut and maybe you’d have some luck, my friend,” I added, trying to distract him and check his ego a bit. “You’re wifed up anyway, you’ve got Paige.”
He’d been dating Paige since we were kids.
Max knew there was something though because he wouldn’t stop studying the stands.
“Hol-eeee shiiiit,” he whispered under his breath, finally realizing it and laughing out loud. “That can’t be…” he looked at me in awe, waiting for confirmation.
I clenched my jaw and stared straight ahead, “It’s her. I fucking know it.”
“Well shit, man! What’s her last name now?”
“Who fucking knows. Why do you care?” I snapped again and immediately regretted it. I chastised myself for letting it come out too gruffly, I usually excelled at hiding my emotions, but seeing her leveled me down to my teenage self. I spit a curse out.
“Oooh, sensitive,” he joked and shoved me in the gut. “I know she got married a while back though. Paige heard through some other girls from high school.” He watched me carefully like he was waiting for a reaction. Asshole. “Paige cried for days that she wasn’t invited,” he tested.
“Well. It’s Jules,” I closed my eyes and exhaled a shaky breath. Just knowing she was sitting up there made me feel like I was shrinking. “Fuck.”
Chapter Three: Jules- Present
I made my way up the metal bleachers, shoving my hands further in the pockets of my Louis Vuitton wrap coat- a present from my now ex-husband. I should use the word “present” lightly anyway, since I had known it was more for appearances than a true gift for me. I had to chuckle wryly to myself. I would have never worn a jacket like this before him, and as soon as it was worn out, I’d never wear one like it again. Before him I wouldn’t have really thought or cared about labels. Yeah, they were nice to wear because they were usually of better quality, but it wasn’t a priority. It was 100% a priority to him though and it was definitely a priority to my grandparents. Even our son, Canyon, had to be dressed to the nines every time they came around, which- I thanked the heavens- was a rare occasion each year.
I rolled my eyes thinking of the constant passive argument in our house, well, now just my house, I guess. I’d always try to convey, time after time, about how it would create bad spending habits for him to be dressing in crazy expensive labels all the time when who knew if he’d be able to keep up that kind of lifestyle as he grew into adulthood? And it shouldn’t be expected of him. Canyon was a caring and sensitive little boy. Not that he would see that. But what if Canyon wanted to become a teacher like I had. I quit the pursuit when Canyon came along so I could focus my energy on him. It was always the plan to be able to go back to teaching… but it was always the plan to have more children as well… and nothing ever seemed to go my way for years. Through the entire marriage I had become an isolated glacier, melting away where no one could see.
I made my way to the top of the bleachers, where Canyon knew I’d be watching, and took a seat, scrunching my shoulders up to brace the cold. I took a deep breath and tried to relax and tell myself that no one was watching me and there was no need to feel self-conscious here. It was my place after all. I was back in the rink where I’d always been my true self, where I could always think clearer. Maybe it was the cold that made my brain shut all the distractions out and just let me enjoy. I was glad to finally share this place with my little love. And just maybe...I could get back to being myself again and embrace some real happiness for Canyon and I.
I caught Canyon’s eye for a second as he filed along the boards getting ready to take the ice. He gave me a tiny smile and lifted a glove really quick before turning his attention back to his little hockey helmet-headed buddies.
I hoped beyond hope that he’d make the team and his little heart would be spared from the crush of being cut. I didn’t want to have to face that trial just yet. He believed he was destined for the NHL and I wanted to keep that dream alive for him as long as possible.
“Juli-Anna!” I heard a familiar voice call out, and I scanned the parents around me until my eyes met Jen Baker’s, my neighbor and mother of Canyon’s buddy, Troy. I absolutely hated when people said my name in two like that. She always seemed to yell the second part too, I had no clue why.
“Did you put his name down on the registration? Because I didn’t see it!” She sang as she started over to me. She had a way of talking with her entire body. I noticed she had an extra layer of makeup caked on for today’s try-out. I internally rolled my eyes at her attempt to look like a twenty-year-old for the try-out.
“Does it matter?” I tried to say lightly.
“Um, yeah! I’m not saying anything but,” she scanned the parents dotting the bleachers around us, “I did hear that they were trying to stack the team with…” She air quoted with her fingers: “Nice families who can afford to take their kids to the Vancouver tourney this year… and have some other fun tournaments… if you know what I mean?” She rolled her eyes and flipped her platinum hair out of her face. She scanned me up and down then, probably approving of my jacket. “You look so damn skinny! How do you do it?” She asked way too loudly, making me feel uncomfortable.
