She dropped her head against her boney knees. “Grey, please go,” she said weakly.
“Well, first off, fuck that,” I told her as I plopped down next to her and put the flowers I’d bought her by her side. I started rubbing her back and we sat there peacefully for a minute.
“Hey,” I told her, waiting for her to look up at me.
But she wouldn’t. She wasn’t ready to talk, but I’d make her. I was not going to leave this topic alone. I would not turn a blind eye to this. No way in hell. She was my girl to protect.
“Jules,” I said as softly as I could. “Look at me.”
She turned her head so she could eye me slightly.
“What’s going on?” I asked her.
“It’s just stress,” she sniffed. “It doesn’t matter, everything’s fine.”
She was not fine. Her body was trembling like she’d just had a panic attack.
I knew regionals was coming up for her and that it would probably be her last year competing. I really couldn’t understand where her head was at these days. Skating was important to her, but at the same time, she couldn’t stand it.
She was burnt out and it’d been getting worse this past year. I could feel it weighing on her, especially lately- her usual bubbly self was waning and her smile seemed forced.
“It’s not fine,” I told her.
I let my head fall back against the wall but kept rubbing her back. I kind of felt like a failure of a boyfriend then. Why didn’t I pry when I thought she looked weak and upset the other day?
“If going to regionals is going to make you sick, you shouldn’t go,” I told her firmly.
She stiffened under my hand, “Grey, you can’t tell anyone.”
I didn't respond right away. The sport was becoming toxic for her and I hated it. I could tell from watching her go through it that this sport was like a love-hate relationship. She was so good at it, and she loved being on the ice. Watching her was like an artist at work… but this past year was almost excruciating for her… because, while my hockey career was far from over- I could keep trying until I was almost thirty, maybe forty if I was lucky- her career was pretty much over after this year.
“What am I even doing this for?” She asked then. “I’ve been doing this my whole life and why? I have nothing to show for all my work. And now I’m just supposed to be done after this year? And do what? Start working in a new direction? It’s a failed career, Greyson. I’m a failure and I’m 17,” She let out an exasperated sigh.
I wanted to tread carefully here and not make her more upset.
“Babe. One- you’re not a failure. By any means. Two- That’s the problem- it was not work for you before. Now it is,” I told her. Hockey wasn’t ever considered work in my mind. “I’m here for you babe. But you’ve got to stop freaking out and go back to having fun on the ice. So what if this is your last year? Enjoy it. Enjoy being great out there and landing everything.”
She stared blankly at the wall in front of her. “I don’t even want to go back out there. But I have to,” she said.
“You don’t have to do anything. You could walk away right now. It wouldn’t matter at all,” I told her.
“My grandparents would hate you for saying that,” she retorted.
That was true. I reached for her hand to lace our fingers together with my free hand. Her grandparents would want success from her this year. They would consider her walking away as failing, and they would definitely blame me for being a bad influence. But whatever. I was looking out for her. Not her reputation or anything dumb they cared about.
“Yeah, well…I only care about what you think of me.”
I could tell she wanted to speak more but was hesitating.
“What?” I asked her.
“If I’m not a figure skater- If I never skate again- will you still like me?” Her voice cracked at the end and she wouldn’t look at me. I stopped rubbing her back then.
“Are you kidding me?” I asked her. It almost made me mad that she even asked that. It meant I hadn’t been making her feel secure enough in our relationship.
I reached for her face and turned it to mine so that she’d look at me.
“You’ve gotta promise me you’ll stop freaking out. Because nothing can happen to you, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. You are beautiful and perfect and mine. I don’t care if you went and joined the circus. But don’t do that because I want you close by,” I said while tugging her closer to me.
