When I think of all that – all that mess and hope and love – I know that I’ve got this. I know that in writing about this weekend I will also be writing about the honest side of being middle-aged, menopausal and ever so slightly mad.
I click into Microsoft Word to open a new document and I start to write.
When I was sixteen years old, I thought I knew it all…
39
ALL GROWN UP
It’s dark again by the time I lift my head, having lost myself in my writing for the afternoon. My attention is only shifted back into the here and now by the arrival of Adam back in the living room looking well rested.
‘Did you sleep well?’ I ask.
He nods in response. ‘I did. I don’t think I realised how tired I was.’
‘You hungry?’
He shakes his head. ‘Not especially.’
‘I can make you something? Or order you a pizza or the like? Anything you want.’ I want desperately to spoil him, knowing that most likely, in a few days, he will be beyond my spoiling for a while.
‘Nah, I’m good. Thanks, Mum. Maybe later.’ He sits down beside me and glances at my computer screen.
‘I’m just finishing up,’ I tell him, clicking on the save button.
‘Is that your article for the magazine?’
‘Sure is. Grace needs itASAPor I’d put it to the side until after you’re gone.’
‘You would not!’ Adam says, defiantly. ‘This is what you’ve wanted to do forever and you’re going to do it. I’d not let you use me as an excuse to sabotage this.’
It stuns me momentarily to realise he recognises that I’m prone to self-sabotage. And there was me thinking I was hiding all my toxic traits from my children all these years. I’m not sure I’m awfully happy about having my ‘Perfect Mammy’ crown tilted a bit.
‘Don’t look at me that way,’ he says, and I realise I clearly have been unable to hide my emotions from my face. ‘I love you to the ends of the earth, Mum, but if you think I haven’t noticed how you’re not one for taking chances then you’re very, very wrong.’
‘I… well… I…’ I stutter. I want to tell him that it’s not always easy to take chances when you are raising children on your own, but I stop myself. Now is not the time to put the fear of God in him about how having children will change his life – whether with Jodie, or alone. And it’s not like it’s his or Saul’s fault that I ended up parenting them on my own. I made my choices. As the boys would say – ‘that’s a me problem’. I will not become one of those mothers who blames her children for how her life panned out differently than how she hoped, because truth be told, if I had to do it all over again, I can’t say I’d do anything different.
‘I-I-I nothing!’ Adam says, mocking me, but in a kind-hearted way. ‘Mum, you’ve said it yourself. This is your chance now and you have to run with it. No skiving off just because I’m home for a couple of extra days. You do more than enough for me, and besides, I’ll probably be spending a lot of time with Jodie.’
‘You really like her, don’t you?’
‘Yeah,’ he says shyly as Daniel trots over to him, selflessly offering himself up to be petted. ‘I really like her. A lot. She’s just the best, Mum. Funny and smart and gorgeous. I am definitely punching.’ There’s a small, shy smile on his face.
‘Oh, love, you’re funny, smart and gorgeous too. I don’t think either of you are punching. I think you make a great pair. And what I have seen, before the pregnancy test, and since, is a young woman who clearly really, really likes you too. I’ve seen the way she looks at you, pet. I see the way you are with each other. You just have to do your very best to hang on to that. Even when things are tougher.’
‘I know,’ he says. ‘That’s what I plan to do. I want to be the person she needs. I want to be the dad our baby needs. I don’t want to ever walk away from my child.’
There is an unspoken ‘like my dad walked away from me’ that I feel like a stab to the heart. Guilt that I played a part in my marriage breaking down isn’t always easy to let go of, even if, ultimately, neither of us were the bad guys.
‘Then be the dad your baby needs. Even if, God forbid, you and Jodie break up tomorrow…’ He looks horrified, but I keep talking. ‘…you can still be a good dad – a great dad, in fact – without living in the same house. Look, I know that your dad was… is… problematic and not always there for you two the way you wanted or deserved, but that doesn’t mean the same has to be true of you. You can break the mould. You can be a good father no matter what.’
‘I’m going to do my very best,’ he says.
‘That’s all anyone can ask for,’ I tell him. ‘So look, while we’re here, let’s have a look at flights to get you back to Manchester before Saul wrecks the place.’
‘He’ll be okay without me, you know, Mum,’ Adam says. ‘I know he can be a bit of an eejit but he knows what he’s doing. He’ll manage. We have good friends there. It will probably do him the world of good – he’ll have to grow up a bit.’
‘I hope you’re right.’
