Niamh can’t take her eyes off her. She can’t quite believe this is a grown woman walking away from her and not just her little girl. How can they be here already in this life? She is not ready for this. The next sound from her mouth is a sob – one so loud that the elderly gentleman in the row in front of her turns and offers her a hankie. It’s not just any hankie either. It’s a cotton one. Pristine white. ‘You hang on to that, love,’ he says. ‘I’ll say a wee prayer for your troubles.’
She sobs a little more while Becca thanks the gentleman for his kindness and asks him if he is waiting to be seen. He’s not, as it happens. But his wife is through getting a sprained wrist strapped. ‘Silly woman – does too much. I’m always telling her she needs to take it easy and sure, haven’t we seven grown-up children can come and do her errands for her, but… well. You know what you Derry women are like. Stubborn as goats.’
Niamh is embarrassed that she can’t find it in her to join in the conversation, but she is somewhere between worried sick for her daughter and in some weirdPTSDreplay of her own long-buried miscarriage.
It’s really only the firm grip of Becca’s hand that is keeping her grounded in this moment.
‘They’ll be okay,’ Becca says.
‘Do you really think so?’
Becca nods as if trying to convince herself. ‘I really hope so.’
34
JELLYBEAN
Becca
Niamh and I were eventually called through to a curtained-off bay where Jodie and Adam sat, eyes red-rimmed. My heart, which I’d thought could not possibly get any lower, sank even more. The ultrasound scanner was still there with them, the image on the screen frozen, a small, grainy jellybean-shaped blob at its centre. A jellybean that had changed everything already.
I heard Niamh gasp, was aware her hand was flying to her mouth, but I didn’t look directly at her. All I could do was look at the shape on the screen.
‘Oh, love,’ I say, as Niamh moves directly towards Jodie.
Adam looks up at me, the eyelashes I always said were wasted on a boy blinking back at me filled with tears. ‘That’s our baby, Mum,’ he says, and I notice he is gripping Jodie’s hand.
‘I know, love,’ I tell him. ‘And it will always be your baby. You will keep him or her in your hearts.’
‘No… no,’ Jodie says as Niamh stands up. ‘It’s ourbaby.’
I notice a hint of a smile on her face, and look back to Adam, who is smiling, and for a second I can’t make sense of it.
‘We heard the heartbeat,’ Adam says, and suddenly I finally understand what it means when an author writes ‘she released a breath she didn’t know she was holding’ as a rush of relief is accompanied by a shaky exhalation.
‘The baby’s okay?’ I ask, hardly able to believe what I’m hearing. I can’t quite allow myself to believe it.
‘Perfect,’ Jodie says, her voice thick with tears.
‘And the bleeding, what did they say about the bleeding?’ Niamh asks.
‘They think it’s just some spotting.’
At that the curtain is pulled back and an impossibly young female doctor walks in. ‘Okay, Jodie. I’ve arranged for you to come back in a week to the Early Pregnancy Unit just to keep an eye on baby and what he or she is up to. In the meantime, lots of rest. No heavy lifting. If the bleeding gets any heavier, or is accompanied with cramping, then do, of course, come back.’
‘Excuse me,’ Niamh says before introducing herself. ‘So what might have caused the bleeding?’
The doctor looks from Niamh to Jodie, presumably looking for some clue as to who this woman is asking questions.
‘Dr Harkin, this is my mum, Niamh. And Adam’s mum, Becca.’
Dr Harkin nods a quick hello. ‘The truth is we might never know. Up to one in four women can experience some form of bleeding in the first twelve weeks of pregnancy. For some of them it is the first sign that something is going wrong, but in this case it all looks as it should. There’s a lovely strong heartbeat in there, which is always a good sign. It doesn’t mean we’re out of the woods, but we’re a bit closer to the exit than we were. So, as I said, my recommendation is rest and relaxing as much as possible. Oh, and to try and manage your sickness a little better; I recommend staying hydrated and eating little and often as opposed to sitting down to big meals.’
I’m listening. I swear I’m listening. But I also can’t keep my eyes from wandering back to the screen and the jellybean.
‘Look,’ Dr Harkin says, ‘I’m not really supposed to do this but if the two grannies would like to hear the heartbeat – we can do another quick scan. Entirely up to you, Jodie, of course.’
‘That would be great,’ Jodie says as she lifts up her top ready to smear on the cold transducing jelly.
