Claire: Do you need me? Should I get there? Are you okay?
I read the words and realize that’s all I need from her. To know that she’d drop everything and come here. To know that she’d be here just to support me. I don’t know if I’m okay with seeing my mom, but I’m very okay with everything else right now.
I got rid of Mad Dog—at least for now. And I’ve got Claire and Aurora waiting for me at home. Home used to be a dirty word. A word that reminded me of my father. My mother. That house. The fists.
I only ever call the compound the compound, but now, I might have a chance. A real chance to make a life. I just need a few answers so I can trust that I won’t screw it up.
My hands are still sweating when Val slides into the booth across from me. She’s brought us both coffee.
“I hope you still drink coffee,” she says, and immediately, tears spring to her eyes. “You look great, Ethan. I want to know everything. Absolutely everything you’re willing to share.” She lowers her head and looks at her hands. “And of course, if you’renot here for that, I’m willing to listen to anything you have to say to me.”
She wipes her cheeks and sniffles back the sadness. Then she raises her chin and swallows. “I’ve changed a little. Maybe not enough. Over the years you’ve been gone, I told myself that if I ever got the chance to see you again, I would accept whatever punishment you wanted to impose. The harsh words, more years of silence.” She swallows hard again and clears her throat. “Go on, son. I’ll listen. No matter what you need to say, I can take it.”
Can take it?
I cock my head in confusion, and I lean forward across the table. “Mom, I have some questions, for sure. But the only harsh words I have to say to you are I’m sorry for not being better. For not being enough. I wanted to save you, but I chose to save myself. I’m so, so sorry.”
Her mouth opens, and it’s the same mouth I remember forming an O when I left. Frowning when I cried. Smiling when she took care of me.
“You’re apologizing to me? Ethan, when you had to leave the military, I thought I was going to die from the pain. That happened to you because of me. Because I chose your father over you. Because I wouldn’t leave. I owe you the apology.”
I shake my head.
All these years, I’ve blamed myself for leaving my mother with him. Yes, it cost me everything, but I had peace. I had freedom. No one hit me unless I punchedfirst. No one insulted me, shut me into a corner. I found a family of misfits and losers where I fit in just right. But all that time, I never forgot that I had a mother whom I loved more than anything just a few miles away. A mother I left to a living hell.
We talk for the next four hours. We order dinner and dessert. I text Claire to let her know where I am and when I’ll be home. I text her so she’ll know that I’m thinking of her. So she’ll know I’m all right. And for the first time in twelve years, I think I truly am.
16
CLAIRE
I can’t helpbut check my phone every few minutes while Savage is gone. I had no idea where he was going when he went to work today, but finding out he’s spending a couple hours with his mother has my heart in a tailspin.
I try to distract myself with my own good news, but it seems like such a tiny thing compared to whatever he’s got going on. After I put Aurora to bed, I take a shower and put on my pajamas. I climb onto the couch with my laptop and plan to do a little research, but there’s a knock at the front door.
I set my laptop on the kitchen counter, then run to the front door. Savage stands under the porch light, looking brighter somehow. A lightness emanates from him, and it makes me smile.
“We really need to get you your own key. But I’m not sure we’ve reached that stage in our relationship.”
He swoops through the door and picks me up in hisarms. He spins me around once, and then he sets me down and holds me so tight I can feel the beating of his heart through his dark T-shirt.
“Hm,” I hum against his chest. “You feel so good.”
He releases me and laces his fingers through mine. “God, babe, I’ve got so much to tell you.” He looks toward the closed bedroom door. “Aurora sleeping?”
I nod. “She’s out. I tried to get her to stand tonight after dinner, and those little legs are tired. You guys have a good day?”
Savage isn’t normally one for small talk. We sit together on the couch, and I rest my bare legs over his lap. “Yeah, babe. Everything is good.”
I cup his cheek with a hand and look into his face. “Are you okay?”
He nods, but then he takes my hand and kisses the top of each finger. “I’ve got some good news and some not-so-great news. Bad news first?”
I sniff, drawing a deep breath in through my nose. I wasn’t expecting any bad news. I hope it doesn’t have to do with his dinner with his mother. “Okay,” I tell him. “What happened?”
He doesn’t give me a lot of details, but he does explain that Mad Dog tried to scam the club out of money. My face burns hot with rage and shame, and I feel a little fight kick up in my chest.
“That asshole,” I say, wishing I could fight him, fight back, but Savage chuckles.
