“The surgery to remove my lymph nodes had side effects, and this was one of them. I come, but it goes the wrong way and ends up in my bladder. I’ve never faked my orgasms with you. I came harder than I ever have before, but I can’t come like most men. It also means I’m infertile. Another wonderful thing I had to deal with at a stupidly young age.” I didn't pause to let her say anything.
“I thought I had a plan in place to make sure no one found out. I always used a condom, I never had sex with someone morethan once, I never let anyone touch my cock… I wasn’t lying when I said no one had jerked me off or gone down on me. I thought I could hide everything, and it worked… but then I met you.” I let out a sigh. “God, I longed for you to touch me, to have more of you, to tell you my secrets, but you have to understand how ingrained it is in me that I’m dirty, broken, sinful… fucked. It’s hard to believe other people won’t see me in the same way.”
“I would never…” she repeated again.
“I know. I do, but it’s hard to change those views after years of hearing them.”
“Does it hurt?”
“Which bit?”
“Any of it?”
“No. The physical stuff doesn’t, but the emotional stuff stings like a bitch, although I want to change that, to fix this.” I pointed between us. “I’ve started seeing a therapist. I want to face up to my past and how I see myself. I did that for you… for us. I want you in my life, Helen.”
Helen straightened her back, and I hated the expression on her face. “Jax, I appreciate you telling me and I’m so sorry that you went through all that, but it doesn’t change anything. You walked away from me. You didn’t talk to me, you ignored my calls, you made me feel disposable. And while I understand you had your reasons, I gave you the chance to tell me… more than once. You hurt me, and I’m not willing to put myself through that again.”
My eyes filled with tears. “But I thought telling you the truth might mean you’d forgive me.” I sounded as desperate as I felt.
She reached for my hand. “You can’t glue what you broke back together, Jax. Even if the pieces held, it would never be the same.”
Chapter 38
Jax
4 weeks later
“Thanks for meeting me.” Thomas Lanton pushed into the booth across from me, looking almost relaxed, which shocked me more than his out of the blue phone call had.
“I was intrigued,” I told him honestly.
“I’m here about Helen.”
My jaw dropped. “What’s wrong with her?”
Thomas held up his finger as the waitress appeared next to us. “Coffee?” he asked me.
I replied with a nod.
He turned his head to the young woman. “Two coffees, please.”
“Sure thing, Mr Lanton.”
And then we were alone again.
“Helen?” I reminded him, my voice clipped with nerves.
“Is fine.”
My relief came out in a whoosh of air.
“But that’s the problem. She’s fine. Helen is a lot of things—a pain in my ass, annoyingly astute, straight talking, kind, funny, passionate about the people she cares about, but right now she’sflat, apathetic,fine. I don’t like this version of her. I mean, she shows up, does her job, smiles in all the right places, but she’s not herself.”
The waitress appeared with our drinks and I ran my finger around the top of the mug. “We’re not together anymore.”
“I know, and that’s the problem.”
“I fucked up,” I admitted.
