I ran my finger down his chest. “Why are you up here, freezing in the dark?”
“I came up here to try to get some phone signal so I could see if Fox or Archer had texted. It’s worked a couple of times and I thought I might get lucky. I did get a message, but it wasn’t from them.” He sighed again and handed me his unlocked phone. I clicked the message.
Unknown number: I saw your interview. You have a girlfriend? Do you still think about me? Even when you’re with her?
Unknown number: I remember how much you liked me to touch you. Even when you begged me to stop. You were always so hard for me. You never could say no, could you, baby?
Unknown number: Come and visit us. We missed you at Christmas. We could have such a good time together.
Anger flared in my chest. “The nanny?”
He nodded.
“Bitch,” I mumbled through gritted teeth. “Come on. Come downstairs. Let me warm you up and look after you for a change.”
His body tensed as if he was putting his walls back up. “I’m fine,” he huffed.
“I know you are, but let me do it anyway.”
I took his hand from my cheek and pulled him gently; he followed without saying a word. Back downstairs, I sat him on the sofa and went to grab our drinks. When I got back, he’d not moved an inch.
“What can I do?” I asked as I sat next to him, handing him a glass of wine.
“Nothing. I mean, what can you do, unless you have a time machine or one of thoseMen in Blackmind wiping devices?”
I nudged his shoulder with mine. “Remember, those are wasted wishes.” I reminded him of what he’d said to me on our first night here. “Do you wanna talk about it?”
He exhaled, closing his eyes. “Nope.”
“Okay.” I pressed a kiss to his cheek before I moved to stand and give him some space, but as I did, he grabbed my hands, pulling me back.
I rested my elbow on the back of the sofa, leaning my cheek on my hand, watching a range of emotions flicker across his face.
“You want all of me? The real me?”
“I do,” I whispered, aching to touch him but sensing it would make things worse.
“I hate myself.”
I didn’t make a sound.
“For what happened. I should have been able to stop her. She’s right. I must have wanted it because I’d get hard and I’d come. Time and time again. She’d fuck me because I was hard.”
I forced down the tears that threatened to fall.
“Fox and Archer used to tell me it was rape.” He let out a hollow laugh. Then he opened his eyes, looking over at me. “What happened to you… that was someone trying to rape you. To take something you didn’t want to give, to force themselveson you.” He threaded his fingers through mine. “But me, I got hard, I stayed hard while she rode me, and I came. I gave her that willingly. I might not have wanted to have sex with her, but my body did. That’s not rape. A woman can’t have sex with a man if he doesn’t really want it, right?”
I lifted his hand and brushed my lips over his knuckles. “You know that’s not true, don’t you? You know that just because your body reacts doesn’t mean you consent. If I’d been wet while James forced himself on me, did that mean I was asking for it?”
“Fuck, of course not. That’s not what I meant—”
I pressed a finger to his lips. “I know it wasn’t. I’m trying to prove a point. You said no. Whether you were hard or not, no is enough. The end. No question. She raped you, Charlie. She had sex with you when you didn’t want to. And now she’s fucking texting you as a power play. Her and your dad are as bad as each other.”
He let out a long breath before he spoke again. “She made me feel like I have no control over my body. It’s why I fuck women like I do… sorry, did. No commitment, no feelings, no risking anyone getting too close. Until you.”
“We can stop,” I said, genuinely meaning it if it was what he needed. “Go back to being friends or we can slow things down. I don’t want to freak you out.”
Grabbing the back of my neck, he pulled my face closer, so I could feel his warm breath on my lips. “That’s not what I want, Princess. I want more of you, not less. I want to start the New Year with you and I want us both to help each other wipe away the past. Do you want to do that, Fern? Start a new chapter with me.”
