“I do it too.”
“Genetics really are amazing.” She looks at me again, her smile fading. “You’re so pretty. I always wondered.”
“Helena—“
“I go by Klara here. But that doesn’t matter. You want to know why I left, don’t you?”
I nod. “It was my father, wasn’t it?”
She looks toward the windows, her face going blank with memory. “I met him in a nightclub. Please don’t judge me for that, I was young and stupid, and he was handsome and had a lot of money. He was also relentless, and eventually I started dating him, casually at first, until the gifts became more expensive, the attention more intense. He moved me into an apartment he controlled, set me up with a bank account he controlled, let me drive a car he controlled and let me visit places he approved. I didn’t even realize it was happening until it was too late.”
She sips her tea thoughtfully. I study my mother’s profile. She glances at me, looking pained. “He was good to me until he wasn’t, but by then it was too late. I was pregnant with you. There was a lot of pressure to get an abortion, but I outright refused, and I think that’s what did it. Our relationship was finished and he had moved on to some new girl I never met or heard about, but it became clear what was going to happen to me. I was out of favor, but I also knew too much about him and his business. I’d been around for conversations. I met certain partners. I was a liability.
“And that’s when I had you. Little baby Veronika. I named you, did you know that? I bet he never told you, but I guess that’s the one thing you kept from me. I held you that first night, fed you, sang to you, but they took you away in the morning, and I was gone by the following night. One of his soldiers helped me escape. I think he’s probably long dead now. But he made it clear that if I wanted to live, I could never come back. Your father would never have allowed a loose end like me to remain. I think he only let me live as long as he did because he was interested in having a child after all. When the time came, I ran for my life, left Moscow, Russia, everyone I knew and loved behind, and I came here, because in the old world men like your father could dispose of a girl like me without ever worrying about the consequences.”
I let the story wash over me. Every word rings true. It all feels like my father perfectly. The control, the disdain, the willingness to kill me as a baby, and to kill her when she became worthless to him.
A part of me wishes there were more, some dramatic event that explained everything, some struggle on her part to keep me in her life, but that isn’t how it works. She was probably young, maybe my age when it all happened. How would I have handled things, if I were in her position? I have no idea if I could have done any better.
Still, it hurts. It hurts badly. She escaped, disappeared, never looked back, and moved on.
“You got married,” I say and have to clear my throat. “You have a family.”
“I did and I do. That wasn’t really the plan. I mean, I wasn’t interested in German men when I moved here.” She smiles at her joke. “I thought about you a lot. I’m sure that doesn’t help, but I did. I couldn’t go back to you. I didn’t know where you were, and besides, Moscow was off limits. Nobody could know about me. If your father ever knew where I’d gone, my life would be over. But I met Hendrick, and there was a reason to keep my mouth shut, then I had Lionel and Lily, and there were two more reasons. I’m sorry, Veronika. Did you… did your father at least… was he there?”
“My father wasn’t really part of my life.”
She lets out a relieved sigh. “That’s good. I’m happy to hear it.”
“He’s dead now.”
“Really?” She sits up straighter. “He’s really gone?”
“You don’t have to be worried about him anymore. Nobody’s looking for you if they ever were. You’re safe.”
She gapes at me, her mouth open, until she lets out one brutal, ugly sob, quickly turning away. I watch her crumble, for a moment, and try to imagine how she’s feeling. This woman’s been on the run her whole life, hiding away, always afraid that one day the shadows would catch her and eat her and destroy everyone she loves. And now she knows that won’t ever happen. Now she knows she’s safe.
Except here I am, the reminder of her old, broken world, haunting her still.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m okay.” Helena rubs her face, wiping away tears. “It’s a lot. Taking it all in. Please, where are you staying? Are you here for long?”
I push back from the table. My hands are shaking as I stand. “I should go.”
“No, no, don’t do that. I want you to stay. I know… it’s complicated… I will explain you to Hendrick…”
“He doesn’t know about me?”
She must see how badly that hurts. Her shoulders slump. “I couldn’t tell anyone. You don’t understand. If anyone ever found me, he might’ve killed me and my children.”
I want to scream at her,I was your child, but I don’t bother. I’m starting to see my mother for what she’s always been. Scared, small, lonely. Flinching at loud noises. Living like everything she loves will be ruthlessly, brutally ripped away and murdered before her very eyes.
“I’m happy you’re okay, I really am. I’m glad we did this.” I walk away from the table, back toward the door. I can’t stand staying in this house any longer. All the photographs, the life she has, I don’t belong in this place at all. I’m a reminder of the hell she escaped, and if she ever wants to have a future, a decent, happy, clean future, I can’t be a part of it.
Our paths diverged, and that has to be okay.
At least I understand now. My mother ran to save her own life. It was selfish, but now I know she was a coward. She could’ve taken me with her, done a million other things, instead of leaving me with my father and coming here to make a better life while I was tossed aside to rot.
“Please, hold on!” Helena comes running after me. I pause in the driveway and turn back. She’s clutching a stack of slim black books, several fancy journals bound in red rubber bands. She shoves them into my arms. “Take these.”
