“After begging my way to it!”
“What else can you expect from a man who is so ashamed of his body from a woman who is perfect?!”
She stopped, panting, not dropping his stare.
“You want all of me?” He stepped closer, kept coming, making her step back. “You want to feel the leather on my back? You want the sandpaper here to rub on your perfect breasts?” He pointed to his chest. “You want to see this melted flesh beside your smooth skin in the mirror?”
She stopped, backed into the window.
“No.” He announced.
“Don’t talk for me when I have clearly stated that I do not care about any of that! When I have laid everything bare!” She snarled, even when backed into a corner. “When you can’t even tell me that you are struggling with your erection.”
He froze.
“If you know it, then why are you throwing it in my face?”
“I am not throwing it in your face, I am asking why you can’t tell me these things. On one side, if you want marriage and not nikahnama then why can’t I see your scars, know about your struggles, see what’s wrong? Have I not supported you in whatever life threw at you until now? Have I not proved myself to you over and over again to earn that position yet? Am I not enough to become your safe place?”
He opened his mouth but she beat him to it — “Think. Think hard and think really deep, Samar. Because I have been brushing everything under the rug to keep the peace and give you time. But I have been a fool in doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result. It stops now.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, it’s better if I go home.”
His eyes narrowed. “No.”
“Did I ask you?”
“You will.”
She pushed her face up to his — “Fuck you.”
“You will ask.” His face dipped closer. “And I will say no.”
“You did not want me to move in here. What happened, Samar?”
“You are not leaving me.” He bit out, looking desperate.
“I am not living with you.”
He opened his mouth and again she cut him — “And yes, I agree, this is not living together. We have never lived together. We have lived under a roof. And now that you are ok, I will go back to living under my roof.”
“You will not leave me!”
“You cannot stop me.”
“You will not break up with me! This is it now. You brought me back, you bloody well know what you did screaming into my head to live and now you will not leave me to rot in this hell without you…”
“I am not breaking up with you.”
His mouth snapped shut.
“I am not a coward who runs at the first sign of problems. That’s you, Samar. I am right here. But living in the same house as you, making you uncomfortable, making this feeling worse… don’t you see we are more distanced than we were when we used to meet once a month? I want to have children with you one day. I want to build a family with you one day. How is that going to be possible if I am constantly on edge thinking what will he say to me next? You are living reactively like everything is a threat! This needs to stop.”
“Don’t go, I’ll… I’ll shift into the hall. You go to the bedroom, make that your space, I should have pushed for that long back. You shift inside, I will figure things out for myself. I… I will think with you here, you don’t even have to look at me, I will not misbehave or talk back…”
Her eyes glazed over. “You have never in your life misbehaved with me, Samar.”
