Amaal began to pull the pins that held half her hair up, running her fingers through her hair to release the tension.
“Amaal.”
“I am listening.”
“Look here.”
She kept shaking her hair out, looking out. Her chin was grabbed in his palm and he raised her face. Her stomach clenched. But that was it. Physical. He took over physically, but emotionally, he was nowhere. And where she found him, he often cut her with his words or deeds or silences.
“Look here, I said,” he clipped, dark eyes holding hers taut. Like a string. The steel inside her made her immune to that gaze.
“I am looking.”
“Then tell me why the question of marriage made you go like this.”
“Because you are asking for nikahnama, not marriage.”
“I am sure I did not say nikahnama.”
“It’s a need. If that aunty hadn’t cornered me downstairs, would you have asked?”
He stared, unblinking, silent.
“Would Atharva have asked Iram if those photos hadn’t leaked?”
She scoffed, letting out a bitter laugh — “You are still fixated on Atharva.” Amaal jerked her chin out of his hold.
“I am not! I just cited an example!” He yelled. “It’s been crazy this year. How do you expect me to think ahead when I am still learning to walk without limping!”
“I do not expect you to think ahead.”
“You do. You are dissatisfied with what I can give you…”
“Stop!” She shot to her feet. “Fucking stop right there.”
His eyes widened.
“Do not hit me more than you can heal some day, that isifyou even figure it out.” Amaal raised her voice, her throat vibrating. “I have never asked you for more than you can give me. I have never asked you for anything except to stay. To live. To breathe…”
“Breathing is not enough!” “And you go and let everybody else see your scars but me!”
He stilled.
“Breathing is not enough, yeah?” Amaal smiled. “Breathing is not enough.” She smiled to herself. “How is breathing fucking not enough when I did not breathe that first entire fucking first week you were in there not knowing you will make it?! How am I so stupid that I keep fighting, keep drinking all your poison and keep waking up every day expecting it to become better today?”
“Poison?”
Amaal gaped at him. And she couldn’t hold it back — “Poison.” She asserted. “Poison. Do you not see it? You either drink it all and die inside like you did after SFF or you spit it at the first person in front of you without thinking!”
“That’s who I am!” He snarled. “You saw it, you liked it, you asked for it, you got it!”
“But that’s the problem, no?” Amaal snarled back. “I did not get it. I got your poison, but not you.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Why? Apparently I am not strong enough,yourenough to see those scars but Atharva gets to see it. You are ok with complete strangers seeing it, your physio seeing it…”
“You saw it!”
