Hayes nods. “At least a game.”
“Maybe two,” Fox adds.
I drag my eyes to Lawson. “Nothing to add?”
“I mean, when I told you to fight yesterday, I didn’t mean actuallyfight.”
I feel the edges of my lips tip up just the slightest, but they drop as quickly as it came on. They’re right. I messed up big-time. I don’t even remember hitting the other guy with my stick, but I trust the ref when he says I did. And if my hand hurts as badly as it does, that means I lost control. I’m screwed.
“What happened out there, Keller?” Hutch asks.
“I… Fuck.” I sigh. “I don’t even know where to start.”
“The beginning,” Fox says. “It’s usually a pretty good place.”
So, I do. I tell them everything, from meeting Chloe at college to our wedding, everything leading up to Chicago, and hergetting the internship. Then I tell them about the last three years and how we barely talked. About how I fuckingachedfor her. How my heart felt like it was sitting outside my chest at all times. How I’ve been having panic attacks. How when she finally came to me, I felt alive for the first time in years. And how when she left, I died all over again.
By the time I’m done, I’m crying again, and fuck if I give a shit. I don’t care about anything at all. Not anymore.
“You know,” Hutch says, being the first to speak per usual, “maybe if you had come to us before, we could have helped you through this.”
They all nod.
“You wouldn’t have had to shoulder this alone,” Locke says.
“Hestilldoesn’t have to shoulder it alone. We’re still here, aren’t we?” Fox looks around. “I mean, I know we aren’t technically a club anymore, but we’re still friends, right?”
“We were never a club,” I say, but the words don’t hold their usual contempt.
“We were so a club. Wearea club. We took a blood oath, remember?”
“Dude, how many times do I have to tell you nobody else did that?” Hayes says to Lawson.
They go back and forth about the oath nobody except Lawson took, and I sit there, taking it all in, thinking about the other vows I made in my life. Once upon a time, I promised Chloe forever. I meant it then, and even after everything, I still mean it. I just want her here. I want her back in Seattle and back in my bed. I want her here right now, holding me and pressing her lips to the cuts along my hand.
I just…I want her.
“Kells? You okay?”
I look up, and they’re all staring at me again. For just a second, I think about telling them I am, but they’re right—wearefriends. And if, for some reason, Chloe doesn’t come back this time, I’m going to need them more than I ever have before.
So, I try being honest with them for the first time in…well, maybe ever.
“No, I’m not okay. Not at all.”
Hutch sighs, then sits forward. “What can we do to help?”
“I don’t know,” I tell him honestly. “Just…be here?”
“We can do that,” Fox says with a soft smile.
I exhale slowly, sinking back against my stall, that same tiredness from before slamming into me. And if anyone ever asks, it’s why I say what I do next.
“I swear to fuck, if this ever—and I meanever—leaves this room, I will gladly take three hots and a cot for the rest of my life.”
I look around the room, letting them know I mean it, then I suck in a steadying breath.
“I know it might not seem like it because I certainly don’t act like it, but…you’re like brothers to me. Ones I definitely didn’t ask for, but still brothers. You’re the most obnoxious bunch of assholes around”—I give Lawson a pointed look—“but I wouldn’t trade that for anything. I…well, I just love you guys, okay? So, thanks for being there for me through all this shit with…”
