She gives me a hard look. “Now, don’t be like that. It’s not like I wastryingto hide it from you. That was just a part of my life that happened a longtime ago, way before you were ever even a thought. I didn’t feel like it mattered.” She sighs quietly. “Clearly, I was wrong about that.”
I tilt my head. “What do you mean?”
She doesn’t say anything right away, and for a moment, I worry she won’t elaborate at all.
Then she speaks.
“I was eighteen when I got married.”
Holy shit. That’s younger than I was!
“I met a boy in high school, and it took all of one month for him to become my whole world. I’m talking about applying to every college he applied to, canceling plans with friends in favor of being with him, breaking curfew for the first time in my life, and arguing with my parents when they tried to keep me away from him. I was in love. Truly, wholly in love.”
I can hear it in her voice. It’s almost wistful, like maybe a part of her misses him, whoever he is.
“So when he proposed just after we graduated, I said yes. It was the easiest decision of my life at the time. My parents tried to talk me out of it, much like your father and I did with you, but I wouldn’t hear it. It didn’t matter what they thought—I wanted to be his wife more than anything in the world. I wanted to be his.”
I know exactly what she means. When Callum dropped to his knee and proposed after he was offered that first contract,all I wanted was him. It didn’t matter that I was scared or what everyone else thought. I was determined.
“I was…for, oh, about four years.”
“Did he…cheat on you?”
She laughs under her breath. “No, but it would have been a lot easier if he did.”
The number of times I thought that myself…it’s far too many to count. Of course I didn’t want to think of Callum with other people, but I didn’t want to think about him with me either, especially when I didn’t feel worthy of his love in the least.
“But the problem wasn’t him. It was me.” She points at her chest. “I soon realized that while I loved him, I wasn’t aware where I ended and he began. We became one, and while that doesn’t sound like a bad thing straightaway, it gets very stifling after a while. You start to wonder whether you like things becauseyoulike them or because they do. You think about every choice you’ve ever made, and you consider if you made them because you were worried about how your partner would feel or if they truly were what was best for you. You question everything, even yourself.” She gives a resigned smile. “Especiallyyourself.”
I understand what she means more than she could ever know. It’s exactly how I began to feel with Callum, and it was hard, because through it all, I truly loved him. There wasn’t a second that I didn’t. I just didn’t know how to love myself too.
“What did you do? When you were feeling like that, I mean. How did you handle it?”
“For a long time, I didn’t. I buried it. I tried to be happy because I truly didn’t have any reason not to be. I had a husband who loved me, and I had a good life. We were living in an apartment that was nice enough, my in-laws adored me, and we weregood.” She shrugs. “But I wasn’t happy, and it took me a long time to figure out why.”
“How did you figure it out?”
“I left.”
It’s like I’ve been punched right in the gut. Not only is this all a lot to process, but for all my life, I thought my mother spent her early twenties with her nose in a book. I was wrong about that, and I think I might have been wrong about her, too.
“I packed a bag in the middle of the night and took off. It was cowardly, I know that now, but at the time, I didn’t know what else to do. It’s really hard to try to explain to someone you love that it’s not their fault you’re not happy.”
I nod, understanding her in a way I never have before.
“What happened after that?”
“Well, I went back. A lot sooner than three years.” She gives me a pointed look. “But the damage was done. He was upset—and rightfully so—and we tried to work things out, but we couldn’t. In the end, we wanted different things, and neither of us was willing to compromise on it.”
Fear zings through my body. I don’t want that to be Callum and me. I don’t want to lose him over my own insecurities and fears.
“You said it took you a long time to figure out why you were unhappy, so I’m assuming you did.”
She rocks back and forth for a long time, and I worry for a moment maybe shedidn’tfigure it out. Maybe she’s still unhappy.
“Yes, and no. Honestly, I think a lot of it is just that I was young, and I didn’t know who I was. I never got the chance to figure it out. I went from high school to being a wife. I didn’t get to go to college or meet new people or find new hobbies. So, I felt like I was missing out on some formative years. And the other part of it…” She weighs her words carefully. “Well, it was just me. I just wasn’t okay, and that’s okay. Does that make any sense?”
“Yes, but I guess…” I turn toward her. “Why us? I mean, I know of plenty of couples who got together young, got married young, and they’re fine. They never went through what we did.”
