The accident that took my mother is public record, as is the fact I was in the car with her. But I rarely talk about it.
“I was seventeen,” I say.
I was seventeen when my mother picked me up at a friend’s place, and then lost control of the car on an icy bridge during a surprise October storm.
I was seventeen when I woke up in the hospital to find Spencer hunched in a chair beside me, clutching my hand with an expression of such sorrow on his face that I knew right away. He still said the words though and held me as I cried. We both cried, because the queen had been a mother to him as well.
“That must have been difficult.”
I still miss her. I think about my mother every day. Italkto her, but I’m not about to tell Tanner any of that. How it took three years of therapy for me to get past the guilt that was crushing me.How half of the crazy bad choices I’ve made were because I was grieving.
How I dumped all of that into letters to Spencer, and he listened and understood.
I nod. “For the entire country. She was an amazing queen.” I smile sadly. “And a pretty great mother.”
That’s it. That’s all I can do.
I motion to the water, at the waves crashing louder than before. “There’s a storm moving in. You can tell by the wind.”
“It’s still hard to talk about her,” Tanner points out, and I’m surprised he’s not letting it go.
“I don’t talk about her.” My voice is steady, without a hint of apology. I’ve perfected it over the years because I only talk about my mother with those who knew and loved her.
“Fair enough.” He rattles the ice in his glass, takes a sip. “You don’t remember that we met before.”
My breath is shaky, but I manage the subject change with relief. “I think I’d remember you.”
“It was the second game of the Juniors’ championship. My first year, but it was Kalle’s second. We won, and you somehow made your way to the locker room.”
“That’s where the celebration was. I remember now. There were a lot of players hugging me.” I scrunch my nose. “There was a lot of sweat and man-smell.”
“That’s a locker room. Two of your brothers were with you.”
“Bo and Gunnar.”
“And Spencer.”
My smile fades at the mention of his name. It’s not fair that Tanner is on this date with me. He doesn’t seem to think anything at all is wrong.
It’s all wrong.
Tanner is great. He’s the whole package. He ticks all the boxes—he’s got the face, the body, the personality…
Maybe not all the brains, with all the concussions in his past, but he’s a sweet guy.
In another life, I would have fallen for him, and probably broken his heart.
In this life, I don’t want to break his heart. And I don’t want to be on this date with him.
“You never left his side,” Tanner says, his smile rueful. “All these guys kept coming up to meet you, and you would smile and talk to them, and then you’d go back to Spencer, like he was your security guy. Not your brothers, but Spencer. He’s, like, your person.”
“He’s…” I don’t know how to describe Spencer right now. I don’t want to say too much, because if I start talking about him, I know the façade of this date will come crashing down.
I’ve played the part of a woman falling in love with the hockey player so well tonight, and if Tanner keeps talking about Spencer, it’s going to ruin everything.
And Tanner keeps talking. “The other day at the pool, I was watching the two of you.”
“I thought you were watching Tema,” I manage in a light-hearted voice.
