“Ashamed. Weak—and not because of some damn injury.” I tap the side of my head to make my point. “I’m sick with the knowledge there’s nothing I can do to make up for it.”
He lifts a pen and jots down some notes before asking me, “What kind of hurt?”
“What do you mean?”
“Did you cheat on her?”
“No.”
“Did you betray her?”
“Does not giving her a chance to defend herself count as betrayal?”
“I would say yes. What would she say?”
I think about the devastation on Amy’s face that day in her dorm at OPU. Then I reconcile it with the woman who threw me out of her apartment after I took her to places I’ve only dreamed about in the time we’ve been apart. “Absolutely.”
“So, tell me, how did you betray your…”
My voice is barely audible. “Ex-girlfriend. Amy.”But she was so much more than that.
I expect to feel the weight of his condemnation, but to my shock it doesn’t come. Instead he takes more notes before sharing, “People who impact your life significantly enough to cause long term trauma are generally people you place the most trust in. The emotional impact of betrayal increases as a result.” That’s when he raises his eyes from the paper to meet mine. “What does that make you feel?”
“Hopeless.”A feeling she lived with for far too long.
“That kind of wound takes a long time to heal and often doesn’t heal cleanly.”
I bob my head. “I want to fix that.”
“I assume you apologized.”
“As soon as possible.”
“Who was it for—her or you?”
I open my mouth and snap it shut. He goes on, “Saying you’re sorry is important. Expressing remorse. But you have to understand the hurt you caused the other person—give them the space to express that in whatever way they feel comfortable.”
I blurt out, “I’ve missed her the entire time we were apart.”
“Would she recognize that?” he counters.
“No.”
“Yet, I presume you want her back.”
It’s not a question. “Yes.”
Dr. Halvorsen leans back in his chair. “What if your goals for therapy are not aligned with hers”?
My body tightens. “What? Why?”
He holds up his fingers and ticks off, “You’ve apologized. Good. But you need to sit with why Amy was hurt. She’s done so for all this time and is likely not the same person you hurt.”
“What does that mean, sit with why she was hurt? I know the answer to that. I didn’t believe her.”
“Was that the real reason, Brennan?”
I think back to the way I stormed into her room. The way I refused to listen. The way I dismissed her excuses. The way I reduced her trust. My head drops between my shoulders “I guess not.”
