“I’m glad you recognize that because being remorseful means reflection. You finding out the truth and apologizing doesn’t mean you’re welcome in her rebuilt world. It doesn’t mean you—the man sitting here today—are prepared to be there for her differently.”
“I didn’t come here to be told I don’t deserve?—”
“I didn’t say you do or don’t deserve anything,” he interrupts, calm but firm. “I’m clarifying that want isn’t the same thing as readiness.”
That hits harder than I expect.
“She doesn’t trust me. If I’m being honest, she shouldn’t. I walked away when she needed me most.”
“What do you think you need to do now?” he asks.
“Make it right.”
He tilts his head. “Define what right means to you.”
I hesitate. “Prove I’ve changed. Show her I’m not a bad guy. Maybe... ”
“Maybe be a part of her life?”
I nod. “I want that more than anything. What do I have to do to make that happen?”
Dr. Halvorsen taps his pen against the paper. “You’re trying to keep score over something that isn’t meant to have a scoreboard.”
“You think I’m trying to win something?”
“Aren’t you?”
I frown. “I’m trying to fix what I broke. I want to be enough for her.”
“Or are you trying to ensure the outcome by marking off all the things you think you need to do?”
I open my mouth. Close it.
He continues, “Amy isn’t a prize, Brennan. She’s a human being with a heart, emotions, and years of her own experiences regardless of whatever relationship she’ll permit you to build with her”
I bristle thinking of the years I could have been in her life. “I should have been there.”
“Whose choice was it not to be?”
“I didn’t know!” I shout. “I was lied to.”
“You absolutely had a choice.”
“I had?—”
“—misinformation, certainly. Butyoustill made the decisions.Youstill chose to confront her.Youstill refused to give her a chance to explain.”
I have no way to defend myself. Dr. Halvorsen shakes his head. “Therapy isn’t about grinding out the work to say you did it. You have to accept accountability. Endure examining your own choices that led you to where you are today.”
“So what do I do next?” I drag my hands through my hair.
“We start by examining who you were when you made the choices that hurt her. Then we figure out how to give you tools so that man doesn’t have the option to steer your life.”
I swallow. “I didn’t think I was that guy.”
“Most people don’t. That’s why they repeat the patterns over and over.” He scribbles a few notes.
I tip my head back to stare at the ceiling. “What do you think I should do?”
