This question hits harder than I expect. “I don’t know. Incensed? Drained? Vindicated? Is it possible to feel all of that at the same time?”
“Of course it is,” Christin agrees.
“I feel like Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and it coming back down over and over again. Suddenly, I don’t know what to do now that the boulder’s gone. But—” I hesitate. “I’m terrified that I just undid all the effort I put in to know who I was. I knew who I was when I had the boulder.”
I met these incredible women in a lecture class at OPU our first year—History of Western Civilization. In the Greek mythological studies portion, we learned all about Hades punishing Sisyphus for believing he was smarter than Zeus. Back then, I claimed that would be me with my future students, having no idea my true madness would be driven by falling in love with a man who had no faith.
Despite my internal fears, Maya shakes her head. “Sex with Brennan doesn’t erase your growth.”
“You sure?” I ask quietly.
Christin states, “It means you made a choice.”
Emery props her chin on her fisted hand. “Not a mistake. A choice.”
Maya reminds me, “Besides, only you have a right to choose what to do with your own body.”
My throat tightens. “I just don’t want you to think…that I went backward.”
Christin’s eyes soften. “Amy, you took, what I hope, was a very pleasurable trip down memory lane.”
Maya agrees. “Yes, please tell us the sex was at least good.”
I snort. “It was.”
Emery reminds me, “Besides, it’s your business that you had sex with him.”
Christin pipes in, “Good sex.”
I admit, reluctantly, “Great sex.”
They all crack up. Then Maya gets serious. “The concern isn’t that you indulged yourself with him.”
“It’s whether he tries to access parts of you he hasn’t earned back,” Christin finishes.
Emery declares, “That’s when we show up to take penalty shots at him.”
Christin points her fingers at her own eyes before pointing them at the screen. “We’re watching.”
Maya snorts. “You more than most. You have eyes everywhere.”
Christin tries to look angelic. “But I only use them for good.”
We all crack up at Christin’s declaration, knowing our friend would break every one of her white hat ethics to protect each and every one of us. Once we’re done laughing, I swallow. “I won’t let him break me again.”
“We believe you,” Emery says.
Maya points out, “I’ll only forgive him if I’m certain you have.”
“Maybe not even then,” Christin mutters.
“That’s fair.”
There’s a pregnant pause before Christin sighs. “Okay. Now give us the details. Did it feel like nostalgia or was it ground breaking?”
“Both,” I admit. “But I was in complete control.”
Maya grins. “That matters.”
