“You did?” he asks, sounding surprised.
“Yes. And that was the problem."
“Why? Because we were friends?”
“No.” I turn to him. “Because you're a guy.”
He looks at me, brows pinched. “So, what, you were ashamed of liking guys?”
“No,” I growl. “I was a kid. Confused and scared. All I knew was I had thoughts about my best friend when I knew I shouldn’t have. Thoughts that if my father found out, he’d kill me. And I don’t mean in the sense of being grounded, or shit like that. I mean, the man would have literally beat the shit out of me.”
His eyes widen, lips parting in surprise.
“Yeah,” I say when he doesn’t speak. “You knew my dad. You knew his temper. You knew how he felt about your family. That's why we never went over to your house.”
What he didn’t know was that any time my dad found out I was hanging out with Bennett, I paid for it. A black eye, a broken rib, a bruised stomach. That was just knowing I was spending time with a friend whose parents were a part of the gay community. If he knew I had feelings for another man, it would have been way worse.
I’m not going to tell him that, though. I’d never tell him that because he’d hate himself, he’d feel guilty, and if his parents knew, so would they.
They were my safe place, my home. I spent so many nights wishing I were part of their family.
It’s one of the reasons I hated Bennett so much over the years. I resented that he got to have amazing parents, and a great life, while I had to hide mine. That I feared for my life.
I know now it’s not his fault. I never should have put any of the blame on him.
It’s my life, my shitty end of the stick.
And as much as I wished I never had this life, it is what it is. The best I can do is try to stay strong, to build something better. To be free.
Maybe one day I’ll be able to be the real me without the fear of what my father would do. But that's not right now. It can’t be.
“Shit.” He looks away. “Fuck, Easton.”
“You took me by surprise, but I liked it. I wanted it. And that is what freaked me out. I panicked, and I hit you. Then I ran away in shame.”
“Easton.”
The way he whispers my name makes me want to run, while at the same time pull him closer.
I do neither, remaining where I am, hands on my knees as I try to keep myself from shaking.
“I was too ashamed of what I did, so I stayed away. Punching you, I mean, not kissing you.” I rub my sweaty palms on my thighs. I can’t believe I’m actually telling him all of this. After all these years, he’s going to know the truth.
“Then my dad lost his job, and we had to move, I hated it. Being away from you, not having you in my life. But I made new friends, met Taylor, and it helped. I got heavily into football at that school, and it helped keep me busy, kept me from being home. From being around him. Life went on, and our hatred toward one another grew. I hated you for being able to live the life I wish I had, and you hated me for hurting you.”
“I never hated you,” Bennett whispers, and my heart aches. “I was just hurt. You were my best friend. My person. And yeah, I liked you more than a friend. A lot more. I know I had no right to kiss you, but it wasn’t the fact that you hit me that hurt. It was that you wouldn’t talk to me after. We were each other's everything, and you just cut me off.”
“I know.” My shoulders slump, and it takes everything in me not to cry. “I’m sorry.”
No one says anything for a long time. Every passing second has my nerves racing until I’m sick to my stomach.
“How did you start dating Taylor?” Bennett finally asks.
I smile, laughing at the memory.
“We got really high one night. I was over at her place, hanging out with Travis. When he fell asleep, I found her out back. She was smoking a joint, and we shared it. I guess weed works just as well as alcohol does for loose lips. We were talking about a movie... I said how hot the actor was, and she argued that the actress was hotter. We kind of just looked at one another and knew. Neither of us said anything for a while. Just accepted the other person for who they were. And one day, after her parents got on her about finding a nice Christian man to build a life with, she came to me. She asked if we could date to get them off her back, and I agreed because my father was starting to question why he never saw me with a girl. It was a mutually beneficial arrangement.”
“It makes sense,” Bennett says.
