Was this love? Or was it convenience?
“You infuriate me as well,” whispered Phoebe.
“As long as we’re both afflicted,” he said in that tone that had often befuddled her, but the laughter was so clear that she couldn’t comprehend how she’d overlooked it before. Or how anyone believed the Mr. Godwin he pretended to be.
“But…” Phoebe’s throat tightened as she considered all that she felt for the man. The good, the bad. The lovely, the unpleasant. “But you make me feel less… alone. I don’t know if that is love, but it is true.”
*
Flashing back to their engagement, Samuel heard Phoebe’s heart pulsing in her words. He wondered if she understood the breadth of that revelation, but he hadn’t forgotten the pain that had laced her confession; Phoebe Voss couldn’t bear being poor and lonely and had accepted the latter to avoid the former.
But then, he didn’t know if she realized just how much she had blossomed of late. Miss Voss had been an impressive lady, but Mrs. Godwin was infinitely more.
“Just do not leave. That is enough,” said Samuel, his hands rubbing the small of her back. “We make a good pair, you and I. The problems arise when we go it alone.”
“So leaving would not make matters simpler for you?” asked Phoebe, a tremulous thread woven through her tone. Again, he didn’t know if she realized it herself, but the sound made his heart ache.
Weariness had become his constant companion since settling into Kingsmere; it threaded through his days and prayers alike, a dull ache he had accepted as the price of his calling. And in his ignorance, Samuel had believed a wife would add to it. Another duty. Another soul to guide. Another heart that required mending. How narrowly he had imagined his marriage.
The burdens of the parish had not lessened. If anything, they pressed harder with each passing week, and Phoebe did add to them in her own way. Yet as much as it clearly pleased her each time he said “we,” it eased that strain in his heart as well. This was no longer a solitary endeavor.
Samuel drew a slow breath, aware of how easily it came as long as his arms were around her. “Having you as my wife does far more good than you will ever know. And it is high time we both accepted that.”
Leaning closer, Samuel pressed his lips to hers with the steady certainty of this moment. There was no urgency in it. No need to prove or persuade. Only the quiet assurance of them.
Chapter 36
The afternoon lay bare and colorless beneath a gray sky. A wispy wind wove through Kingsmere, shaking leafless branches like the mournful death rattle of autumn’s final breath, and what little light remained held no warmth, unable to chase away the ice and frost that had gathered in the night.
Though his coat did its duty, the damp found its way through as Samuel walked along. Each step felt heavier than it ought, the ground unyielding beneath his boots, and whilst the morning’s work had been unremarkable in its particulars, this afternoon would leave its mark. Dark and uncompromising, the task loomed ahead, and Samuel prayed for the strength to meet it.
The church rose from the sodden ground, its stone darkened by the years despite Mr. Weaver’s best efforts. To Samuel’s thinking, those signs of weathering lent the church a gravitas that no modern edifice could mimic. The fellow kept the yard in careful order, the paths edged and swept, the grass trimmed, the gravestones legible and in good repair, so no one would think the sexton was derelict in his duties simply because a bit of moss and lichen clung to the masonry.
Stepping inside the church, Samuel crossed the nave to find the vestry door open. Light filtered through the high window, thin and pale, and settled upon the table. There, laid out withdeliberate care, rested Mr. Colby. His hair was combed back from his brow, his face washed and arranged with gentleness. Despite its simplicity, the linen shroud wrapped around him was clean and smooth, and near the folds at his breast was a monogram fashioned in white thread.
Samuel recognized Phoebe’s handiwork without question. Like Mary’s christening and burial gown, those seemingly insignificant yet thoughtful gestures bore great weight because they were so easily overlooked. A modest effort that demonstrated great care and consideration.
A shift of skirts pulled Samuel’s attention, and he turned to see the lady seated against the wall. Phoebe gave him a wan smile, her eyes dull and reddened, and he slipped into the seat beside her, taking her hand in his.
“You didn’t need to sit here all day,” he said.
“Mrs. Broad is feeling poorly and cannot come until the services, and I did not wish for him to be left alone,” she whispered, leaning into Samuel’s side as he settled his arm around her shoulder. They sat without speaking, the quiet settling gently around them as Phoebe’s head rested against him, the weight of it slight but certain.
“I remind myself again and again that I needn’t cry for him,” she said, her voice hitching. “He is reunited with his wife and children, free of the pains and worries of this world. He is happier where he is, yet I cannot help my tears.”
“You miss him and yearn for his company,” replied Samuel. “There is nothing wrong with mourning that loss.”
“Or weeping over a heartless world intent on ignoring his passing,” she murmured.
Samuel thumb brushed along her arm. “I would remind you that the generosity of our parish allowed him to return home. Surely the world isn’t wholly heartless.”
Leaning up to look at him with a huff, Phoebe narrowed her eyes. “Only because you needled Mr. Norcroft, Mr. Kirk, and the rest of the vestry council, Mr. Godwin.”
“As you did with their wives, Mrs. Godwin, but none of them were forced to donate. In my opinion, that is a clear sign that they are not wholly heartless.”
Phoebe hummed and lowered her head once more as the quiet closed in again. Samuel’s gaze fixed on the shrouded form before them, the pale linen catching what little light the vestry allowed.
Mr. Colby may be at rest, but the path that had brought him here had been anything but peaceful. So many choices had led to this moment. So many steps that linked one to the other until the final destination was reached at last.
