That one thought kept her seated on the edge of the bed, but no matter how prudent and necessary the conversation may be, her nerves would not calm. By the time the valet took his leave and Simon entered the bedchamber proper, Mina was twisted into knots.
“You are not in bed,” he said, coming over to place a kiss on her forehead before wandering to his side of the bed. He rambled on about Finch and Miss Barrows as he pulled back the bedcovers, but Mina did not move.
“Something is amiss, Simon.” Mina winced at that, grateful he couldn’t see her expression. The movement at her back halted, and she felt her husband’s gaze burning into her back.
“I thought we had aired our concerns and moved forward, but something continues to trouble you,” she continued, closing her eyes when she heard him coming to her side of the bed; it was so much easier to speak when not looking into his gaze.
Though her nerves had not calmed, Mina forged ahead. Now that she had begun the thing, the words slipped out, her tone straining and rising with each admission.
“I have tried to divine the source, but the only thing that makes any sense is that your feelings have changed, and you feel guilty about it. You compensate by lavishing me with presents and compliments as though trying to convince yourself that you still care for me. But you must tell me the truth. Have you grown tired of me?”
Chapter 34
Simon stilled, staring at Mina as he struggled to know what to say to such a question. His thoughts stuttered, struggling to tell him what to do. It felt like an eternity passed as he gaped like the fool he was.
“I swear I have no feelings for Miss Barrows,” he said, the words pouring out of him as he babbled on about his exceptionally unexceptional sentiments for his friend’s love. “She is a fine lady for Finch, but I have no designs on her. That dance meant nothing. I promise you. It was merely a favor for Finch.”
Mina’s eyes flew open, and her brows twisted together. “What are you talking about, Simon?”
“It was an innocent conversation. She is engaging, but she is nothing compared to you.”
Head slanting to one side, his wife stared at him as though he was speaking gibberish. “Are you trying to convince me or yourself?”
Simon’s hand reflexively went to his cravat, but there was nothing there, so why did his neck feel so wretchedly tight? His throat closed, and he fought to clear it. “I promise it was innocent, Mina. There is no need for you to leave.”
*
Straightening, Mina stared at her husband, wondering what in the blazes he meant by that. “Why would I leave?”
With wild eyes, Simon gestured towards the door, his words clipped and staccato as though he struggled to get them out. “You did it before, and it is only a matter of time before it happens again.”
Turning, Simon paced before her, his hand rubbing at his forehead as though it might erase the fretful thoughts clogging his mind. “I never meant to hurt you, but I did. I sensed you were struggling at the time, but I never thought things were so wrong that you would leave me without a word.”
In all her planning for this moment, Mina hadn’t expected such a confession, and her wits were too frazzled to formulate a gentle response. Instead, she blurted out, “You have no reason to fret as long as you desist from flirting with other women.”
Simon spun to face her, and his voice rose to a panicked pitch, his eyes wide. “I didn’t know I was flirting with Mrs. Banfield! Perhaps I was more friendly than necessary, but I was trying to be a good host. I couldn’t see how others interpreted my behavior.”
He resumed pacing, his feet moving at a frantic pace, as though all that he’d kept bottled up for so many months was spilling out all at once. “Am I laughing too hard at a lady’s joke? Paying her too much attention? Is my behavior going to drive you away once more? My nights are plagued with dreams of you leaving again, and I am left alone, unable to find you and beg your forgiveness. Without word or explanation…”
With a heaving sigh, Simon pinched his nose and that raging energy seeped out of him. It was as though her husband deflated before her eyes. Inching towards the bed, he turned to sit but slid to the ground beside her.
Mina closed her eyes, holding back the pain radiating through her chest. Simon’s head leaned back to rest on the edge of the mattress, yet she could not look at him. Her thoughts replayed the past few weeks, seeing each gift and word anew, and her cheeks flamed. Sliding off the mattress, Mina nestled into Simon’s side, his arm coming around her and clinging to her as though she might disappear that very moment.
“I am sorry, Simon,” she whispered. “I did not realize how much damage I did that day.”
Her husband shook his head with a tense jerk. “You hold none of the blame, Mina. The fault lies squarely on my shoulders.”
Mina gave him a tiny smile. “I am not laying claim to all of it, but I am equally responsible for the current state of our marriage.”
Closing her eyes, she sucked in a breath, steeling herself. “I am a coward, Simon. I was so afraid to speak to you, so instead, I allowed my fears and hurt to fester and spread. And on that awful day, I vanished rather than face you. If you hadn’t chased me down, I would never have given you any explanation for my leaving. That was wrong of me.”
“Mina—”
“And I continue to hide my feelings rather than simply speaking to you about my fears and worries.” Swallowing past the lump in her throat, she added, “If your behavior was wrong, then so was mine. We have both made this mess.”
*
Tears gathered in his eyes as she spoke, and Simon did not fight them. Each one was a testament to the agony he felt at hearing his beloved Mina’s confession. She hid away from him still, keeping her eyes closed as she unburdened her heart, and Simon could guess at the reasons behind those fears. She had all but admitted it already with that heart-wrenching question,“Have you grown tired of me?”
