“You don’t blame yourself for Frank’s death.”
He stomped out his cigarette in the grass, still looking over the river. “I’ll always think there was something more I could have done,” he said, and she saw anger flex in his jaw. “But mostly, I will always feel guilty that John and I walked away unscathed, and Frank and Ernie didn’t. It’s like the war. How did I make it out when so many others didn’t? Why did I survive the flu when my parents didn’t? What makes me so goddamn—pardon me—special?”
“Do you remember what you told me when Minnie died?”
“I do.”
“I was not to blame just because I gave her my ticket. But a part of me will always regret that. I’ll always wish I’d never given it to her,” she said, then she reached for his hand again. “I want you to know that I understand. We don’t know why we’re still here, but I am so glad we are.”
A boat started up a few boathouses down, spitting to life with a roar, and Jerry stepped closer to her.
“You ever wonder if you’d go back to the war if you knew then what you know now?”
She smiled. “I’ve asked myself that question a hundred times. I’d go back. What about you?”
He shook his head slowly, and she imagined everything spinning through his mind. The insanity of war. The cold, tomb-like tunnels they had dug so they could blow up the enemy from below. How many men had he killed? How could a sane man go on, knowing he’d done that? And yet so many had.
“I’m a different person than the one I was back in ’14,” he said. “The war changed everything. But yeah, I’d go back.” He lifted one hand, and she didn’t move when the backs of his fingers slid smoothly down her cheek. “I’d go back so I could meet you again.”
She couldn’t speak. She could hardly breathe.
“I have to say something to you, Adele, and I don’t want to,” he said, his voice almost a whisper. He was so close she could feel his breath on her face. “I’m not the right man for you. I don’t deserve you.”
“Let me decide that.”
“You don’t understand. My world, the one I’m in now, isn’t a nice place. It’s full of risks. It’s complicated and competitive, and it can be violent. The truth is, Adele, I want to offer you the world, but it’s not the right world for you.”
This time it was she who lifted a hand and touched his face. She loved touching his skin, even if it was torn. She skimmed her fingers over the lines and indentations, remembering when the damage was so deep she had no idea what his face looked like. When he’d asked for a mirror, taken a look, then nodded with simple, uncomplicated acceptance. When she had watched over him late at night, the golden warmth of the hospital’s lanterns playing over his features. She’d loved him all along. She wouldn’t let him leave her behind this time.
“I’m not afraid, Jerry. Not for me. Since the moment I met you, I have thought of little else but you. You understand me like no one else does,and I think I understand you as well. After you left, I was afraid every single day, but it wasn’t for myself.” She swallowed, forcing back tears. She didn’t want to cry. Didn’t want to show any kind of weakness at that moment. “I know what it is to be afraid, but I’m stronger than you think. I just found you again. I can’t lose you. Please don’t push me away.”
His blink was slow. Deliberate. Then he bent down and kissed her, changing both of their lives forever.
twentyJERRY
Jerry was still thinking about that kiss when he got home. When he opened the door, John was waiting for him, along with two crates of whisky.
“Is this the last of it?” Jerry asked.
They’d finished the tunnel and the new room just yesterday, and now they were under a tight deadline. Ever since Jerry had humiliated Willoughby in front of Adele, he’d known they were in his sights. Willoughby wasn’t going to let Jerry get away unscathed. That meant everything to do with moving the liquor had to be done as quickly as possible. John had said he was going to finish stacking everything in the new room. Jerry was a little disappointed he hadn’t.
“It is.”
“Why’d you leave these out?”
“No room,” John said. Then he lifted an eyebrow. “How was dinner?”
Jerry hung his coat and hat on the hook on the wall, then he sat across from his brother, cigarette already in his mouth. “Abars makes an excellent short rib,” he said, striking a match.
“Oh, I see. That’s how we’re playing it,” John chuckled. “Well, all I know is that Witless ain’t impressed with you stealing his girl.”
Jerry shook his head, gazing into the smoke, thinking of her. “Not his girl.”
“He doesn’t seem to know that. Tuck told me Witless is in a rare mood, thanks to you.”
Jerry closed his eyes. He would have liked to hold on to tonight a little longer, but as he’d told Adele, his business was a demanding one.
“He’s planning a big raid on the water tomorrow night. Cops have been told to stay away. Bastard’s making a fortune off everyone else’s back,” John said. “That business with Dutchie? He’s trying to squeeze him out too.”
