Adele’s breath caught in her throat, and she heard a strangled cry from Hazel. She reached blindly to her sides to squeeze her friends’ damp hands.
“They attacked a hospital ship?” Lillian exclaimed.
Others joined in. “Why? Weren’t they marked? Didn’t they know?”
Nurse Johnson held up a hand for quiet. “I’ve been informed that it happened during the evening when most of the passengers were asleep. The ship was lit by regulation Red Cross lights and markings to protect it from attack under international law. Evidently, the Germans paid noattention. They fired a torpedo into the ship. All fourteen nurses were able to board a lifeboat, and other lifeboats were filled as well.”
Adele let out a sigh of relief. Minnie was all right after all.
Then the matron cleared her throat and spat out the rest of the report rapid fire. “But the U-boat rammed and fired upon the lifeboats. It is my terrible duty to inform you that all the nurses aboard theLlandovery Castleperished when their lifeboat was swept into a whirlpool beneath the sinking ship.”
The air around Adele vibrated with a stunned silence. Then slowly the whispers began, rising through the disbelief, building to sobs as everyone in the room was hit by the full realization of what Nurse Johnson had said.
Minnie, their dear, cheeky Minnie. With the cigarette bobbing in the corner of her mouth, her smug yet affectionate, sideways smile as she teased Hazel to bits over cards. Her gentle touch as she tended Adele after the bombing, and the words with which she had soothed her. Always the one with a laugh or a hug when someone needed it most.
Adele stared at nothing, held in place by shock. She couldn’t fathom the idea that such a sparkling, vital soul was dead.
Hazel choked out a sob, jarring Adele from her stupor. In a daze, she rose and staggered out of the meal hall, needing to be anywhere but here. When she stepped outside, the rain was falling in a steady shower, but she barely felt it. Hazel and Lillian caught up, catching Adele’s arms and trying to direct her to the quiet, dry shelter of their tent, but she shrugged them off. She needed air. She needed space. Half running, half stumbling past the hospital, she picked her way between the temporary tents in the trees, only stopping once she was beyond them. Hands shaking, she took out a cigarette and tried to light it, but the rain kept dousing her lighter.
Grief washed over her like a tidal wave. Suddenly weak, she fell to her knees, drowning in the weight of every loss she’d known in this place. She sobbed helplessly for every man under her care who hadn’t made it, whose eyes had lost their light. And now for Minnie.
Minnie, who wasn’t even supposed to be on that ship.
“Adele?”
She was aware of him kneeling beside her, the stark, crisscross scars from his stitches dark against his face. She couldn’t speak, so she reached for him instead. She felt Jerry sink into the puddle with her, then he held her tight while she wept, her cold, wet face pressed against the warm comfort of his shirt and the heartbeat beyond it. His arms were a solid promise, holding her together, shielding her from the storm as well as he could.
“Minnie,” she managed, loosening her arms from around his neck, needing to see his face. “My friend Minnie. She was on a hospital ship, and a U-boat—” On a gasp, she caught the next words in her throat, unable to speak them out loud.
“I’m sorry.” Sympathy swam in his silver eyes. “I heard the news from one of the men inside. They were defenceless. What the Germans did was…” He closed his eyes, and she could tell from his strained expression that he was seeing the attack almost as if he’d been there. He knew the brutalities of war better than she. All Adele ever saw were the outcomes. “I’m so sorry.”
Her throat ached, swelling against more tears. “She had my ticket. I was supposed to be there, not her. It’s my fault she’s dead.”
“No. Not you. A U-boat killed her,” he said, his voice gentle but firm.
He didn’t understand. “But if I had only…”
“Only what, Adele? If you’d only gone instead?” He touched his cool fingertips under her chin, raising her face to his. “Listen to me. If I’m in a tunnel and someone passes me and gets shot, that was his bullet, not mine. You might have had a ticket, but your friend held it. She got on that ship, not you. The U-boat killed Minnie. You didn’t.”
Oh, she wanted to believe him. If only she could.
“The only time anyone should feel guilty is if they are directly responsible for a death. If they caused it, they deserve to live with that guilt for the rest of their life.” His jaw clenched as if he was reliving a memory,then he blinked it away. “But you have never done that. You are a good person, Adele. You do all you can to save lives. What happened to Minnie is a tragedy, but it is not your fault. It’s this damned war.”
Deep down, she knew he was right, but Minnie’s happy face as she packed her things kept coming back to her. “It should have been me.” She faltered, ashamed to admit the truth, but then the words rushed out, and all she could do was pray he would understand, not despise her for what she needed to say. “But Jerry, in a small, horrible way, I’m relieved, because I wasn’t on that ship. I’m still here, still living in this godforsaken place. I know I should feel fortunate. But how can I when the only reason I’m alive is because she’s dead?”
“I wish I knew,” he said softly. “I’ve seen so many men die. Friends, and men I never knew. I’ll never understand why it wasn’t me lying there in the mud. Sometimes I almost wish ithadbeen me, because I can never stop seeing them there.”
There was no judgement, only understanding. The knots of tension strung through her body began to loosen just a little. So she could breathe again.
“I miss her so much already,” she whispered.
“Yeah,” he said.
She laid her cheek against his chest again, listening for the reassuringthu-thump, thu-thumpof his heartbeat, and he rested his chin on the top of her head.
“You’re going to be all right, Bluebird. You just gotta keep moving forward.”
She took a deep breath, and he tightened his arms around her. For a moment she let herself believe him that maybe, just maybe, everything would be all right someday.
