“No, Mom.His temper was what destroyed him.”
“But if I hadn’t—”
“You didn’t put that car in the middle of that intersection at that particular instant.”
“Neither did he.He tried to stop.He stepped on the brake and swore, then there was the crash.He didn’t do it on purpose.”
“I know.”Pam rocked the swing.Its creak was rhythmic, comforting.“And you didn’t hurt him on purpose.”
“No.I wouldn’t have done that.I loved him.”
“I know.”
Patricia looked up.“Do you?”
“Uh-huh.For a while, I wasn’t sure.I didn’t understand how you could have been with John if you loved Daddy.”She sniffed.“Self-righteous of me, wasn’t it?”When Patricia didn’t answer, she went on.“I thought that you either loved or you didn’t, and if you did, that love was pure and right and all-powerful.That was how things always were with Cutter and me.”With her thumb she wiped at the condensation on her glass.“Then Cutter wasn’t ready to get married, so I married Brendan.”She dared a glance at Patricia.“You never said anything about that.”
Patricia gave a slow, one-shouldered shrug.
“I wanted to be married.I wanted to be free of John.”When Patricia still didn’t speak, Pam nudged the ground with her toe.“I liked Brendan from the first.Once we were married, it was easy to love him.He’s a sweet, generous man.”
“Yes,” Patricia said.
“And I feel bad, because he trusts me.He has no idea that I’ve seen Cutter.”She let the swing carry her to and fro.“What should I do?”
Patricia poked at the ice cubes with her straw.“I’m not the best one to ask.”
“I can’t ask anyone else.”
The ice cubes clinked, then clinked again.“What do you want to do?”
“I want to do the right thing, which means being faithful to Brendan.But then there’s all I feel for Cutter.I need him.I can’t explain it.Brendan gives me so much, but Cutter is Cutter.When I’m with him, I’m something more than just me.It’s like the two of us create something together, something powerful.Brendan is calm and quiet.He’s gentle and undemanding.He’d give me the shirt off his back if I asked for it.”She smiled helplessly.“With Cutter, I want the back, not the shirt.”Her smile faded with the conjuring up of his scars.She figured she knew them better than Cutter did.
“Passion isn’t enough.Don’t ruin what you have with Brendan.”
“But I love Cutter, too.”
Patricia shook her head.“It won’t work.”
“Even if I’m careful?”
“It’s not right.”
“But I’m a good wife to Brendan.I make him a nice home.I’m there for him whenever he wants.He’s the one who gets my time and attention.”
“He should.He’s your husband.”
“But Cutter’s alone.”
“Cutter had his chance.”
“Not a fair one.I was angry.My rushing to marry Brendan was like Daddy jumping in that car and racingdown the street on the ice.I didn’t think things through.I was being impulsive.I made a mistake.”
“We have to live with our mistakes sometimes.”
“But all the time?Take you.”Pam sat forward on the swing.“You don’t have to stay here.You could come live with me.Or get a place of your own.”
“No.”
