Pam didn’t tell a soul.She wasn’t proud of what she’d done, but somehow the knowledge that she was betraying Brendan didn’t hold any weight when she was with Cutter.The sight and the feel of him blotted out everything else.Inevitably, when she returned home she felt remorse; just as inevitably, to compensate, she doted on Brendan.She couldn’t keep from dreaming of Cutter, though, and when she began to fear that she might call out the wrong name in her sleep, she knew she had to do something.
She went to see Patricia.She was taking a chance, but Patricia was growing stronger, Bob said.He kept urging her to draw her mother into her life, and to some extent she had.She visited regularly, showed Patricia her jewelry, and talked about the business and her friends.She brought Brendan to visit.
The hospital represented security for Patricia, and since she could afford it, she stayed.But she had moved into the smallest, most private cottage, and had begun to take short outings with Bob.Although she hadn’t reached enough confidence to go out with Pam, she was conversing more.
That was what Pam needed.She didn’t expect absolution, but she had to talk, had to tell someone what she’d done, had to have someone say that she wasn’t as wicked as she felt at times.
It was a hot and humid July day.The tall elm in the yard behind the cottage offered shade, and a faint breeze stirred from time to time.Pam wheeled Patricia there and went back for two tall glasses of iced tea before sinking down on the creaking wooden swing.
She sipped her tea while she searched for the right way to broach the subject.Inadvertently, Patricia did it for her.
“You’re frowning,” she said softly.“Are you upset?”
“Upset?”It wasn’t that, exactly.
“Angry at me?”
“Oh, no!Not at all!”She took a breath.“It’s me.”
“Something with Brendan?”
“In a way.”She jumped in.“I’ve been seeing Cutter.”
Patricia accepted the statement as though it was perfectly logical.“You love Cutter.”
“But I’m married to Brendan.I’m supposed to love Brendan.Idolove Brendan.”
A tiny frown crossed Patricia’s brow.“Then everything’s fine.Isn’t it?”
“Cutter is … Cutter and I … we fought it but …” She took a breath.“I slept with him.”
The tiny frown came again.“Before you married Brendan.”
Pam wanted to cry.Her mother thought her innocent and good, which was both incredibly wonderful and terribly unfair.She was human, like everyone else.“I slept with Cutter last week.We keep running into each other.All over the country.All over the world.And each time, it’s like there’s a fire that just—” she motioned with her hands, “explodes.I thought maybe it was just something I had to do so that I could move on, but I still feel it, as strong as ever, and I can’t do a thing to stop it.I need him.”She ran out of air, dragged in a new breath, and said, “Tell me there are reasons why things like that happen.Tell me there’s some justification for it.”
Patricia bowed her head, and for an instant Pam wished she’d talked with Bob first.But she hadn’t wanted to tell him about her affair with Cutter.And anyway, he was the one who was always telling her to test Patricia’s limits.
Eyes down, Patricia said, “My situation was different.I didn’t love John.There was no justification for what I did.”
“Maybe not in terms of love.”
She shook her head.“No justification at all.”
“But you needed him.”It had taken Pam a long time and many discussions with Bob to accept that.
After a time, Patricia said a quiet, “Yes.”
“Was it the kind of thing where you didn’t think you’d be able to survive another day without him?”
“No.It was never that desperate.”She hesitated, then said even more quietly, “Not the physical part.The other was.He said what I needed to hear.He made me feel better.”She sipped her tea, careful to keep her eyes low.“It wasn’t that he forced me … physically.The attraction was there.”
Pam had always wondered about the nature of that attraction, since John didn’t turn her on in the least.“Was it the age factor?His being younger than Daddy?”
“It was security.Excitement.”She thought for a minute.“Maybe danger.But I always felt so guilty afterward.”
Pam knew that feeling all too well.“Did you ever want to tell Daddy about it?”
Patricia’s head came up.“I couldn’t!It would have destroyed him!”Her voice fell.“It did destroy him.”
