“Yes,” he whispered.
Her heart hitched. “Then you are a bloody fool.”
He should open the door and leave. They had both said what was needed and he had explained his position, but Benedick could not force himself to move.
If he walked out on her now, Victoria would be lost to him forever. Eight months he had accepted that she would never be his. He had lived with the loss and the heartache. He had told himself that this was for the best. Even up to an hour ago he had insisted that she was above him. But he knew that that was not true. Wealth and titles really meant nothing to Victoria. He knew that in his heart.
It was his pride that stood in the way.
It was the fact that he was in trade and his income would not support a wife in the grand style that Victoria was used to living. He would not even be able to provide her with a gown or two to attend balls so that she could convince others to donate to Westbrook House.
It did not matter that she had wealth. It mattered that he did not. It was not right that she would be the one providing a nice home and raising him above his station.
That is what bothered him. It was most definitely his pride that got in the way.
And if he let pride be the wedge between them, he would lose Victoria forever, which would be further proof that he did not deserve her.
It was different when a woman bettered her situation in life. His sisters had been lucky and had done well for themselves. And women across Society had done the same.
Gentlemen had also done the same, his father for example. Or, he had hoped to better his circumstances but had failed.
He was only one in many to marry better than they deserved. How many destitute lords married heiresses to save estates? They had not let pride get in the way.
Yet maybe they had because their value and standing in Society was tied up in their homes, horses and carriages. Marrying an heiress in those circumstances was downright mercenary, nor did they make a secret of their intentions.
Benedick did not want Victoria for any of those things. He simply wanted her. Benedick slowly turned to face her. “I love you.”
She said nothing.
“It kills me that I will not be able to provide for you. Give you this.” He held out his arms to indicate the chamber they stood in, including the entire house.
She opened her mouth as if she was going to say something but he held up his hand, palm toward her. If she spoke now, he would not be able to say what he needed to.
“Maybe it wasn't the fear of how your brother may react that horrified me, though it did flash in my mind. Maybe it wasn’t just because of the difference in our stations that caused the expression that sent you running. Even if I did not acknowledge it to myself at the time, it was because you are wealthy, beautiful, desirable, and so far above my reach.”
“I am not above your reach,” she said quietly.
“But you are,” he said as he took a step back toward the bed. “Yet you are the only woman I have ever loved.”
“I do not mind living under lesser circumstances,” she offered.
“I would never ask it of you.”
“Are you asking anything of me?”
He wasn’t so certain. He knew what he wanted, he just had to reconcile it within himself. Or maybe he needed to be certain of her and that what she said was what she truly felt.
“It is not easy. A man should be the one that provides for the woman. The one who cares and protects her.”
“You do protect me. You are doing so right now,” she pointed out, then tilted her head and looked at him. “And you care for me. You support me. Would you keep me from my duties at Westbrook House? Would you prevent me from even visiting?”
“Of course not.” How could she even ask that? He knew how important it was to her.
“Most husbands would,” she pointed out as the corner of her mouth tipped. “Perhaps I should correct myself. Lords and men in society would forbid their wife from such activities. A philanthropic endeavor that was discussed over tea or at a luncheon was all well and good and a titled husband could accept that. But he would never allow his wife, God forbid, to work within a foundling home.”
“Likely because those women would have no idea what to do,” he returned with a chuckle. “They have no idea what the world is like beyond Mayfair.”
“We do.”
