My heart ached for my men. Not even twenty-four hours ago, I was the happiest I had ever been and now I had no idea what my life would look like in the new year.
29
forest
The cabin felt cold and foreign. A day after my fight with Jude and Webber, I started packing up my place, not that there was much to pack. I kept my place pretty empty, but I hadn’t realized how much Jude and Webber had left at my house and how much it had started to look like a home.
Most of their stuff was already in a box, behind a door, because if I looked at it, I would want to go see them. My chest ached with the need to be with them, touch them and comfort them. I knew my words were awful yesterday. I said them because they would get the job done and if I didn’t, then this would drag on, and we didn’t need that. A clean breakup and we would all move on.
That's what I kept telling myself; that's what I needed to tell myself or I would go back to them crawling and begging for forgiveness.
Even after a long day at work, where I made sure I exhausted myself, they plagued my mind. The small unsure glances Jude used to give that turned into confidence and then demands. He had changed so much in the small amount of time we had been together. I loved seeing him turn into this confident man whodemanded what he wanted and had no problem telling me or Sam anything.
Then there was Sam. My grumpy hook-up who seemed lost and on the verge of giving up, but I couldn’t let him become me: bitter, hating life and a shell of who he was until… he came here. Sam scared me because he reminded me of myself in the beginning. I didn’t want him to become jaded, Sam deserved the best from life. They both did, but that wasn’t in me.
I grabbed the glass of whiskey I had been sipping on and threw it at the wall, watching it shatter like my heart felt at the moment. My lip trembled as I bit down on it trying to reign in my emotions. Everything was chaos, I wanted to stayandleave. I needed Sam and Jude like I needed the sun, the rain, the wind and the clouds. I wanted to feel their warmth, their laughter, their sadness and the days they needed me to get by. Never had I ever felt so right with anyone. I kept trying to tell myself that this was different than before, but no matter how much I tried to convince myself, memories of me losing everything for the person I thought had loved me still haunted me.
The wall had a divot from the impact as rivulets of whiskey trickled down the wall. I couldn’t take being in this house any longer and there was no point in me staying here. Sterling Ridge was just a stop, and I needed to get out now.
I left the house, walking out into the cold early evening, I walked to my destination hoping I would calm down, but the walk did nothing to ease my chaos, it made it fester.
When I arrived, I knocked on the door.
“Hey!” Nova opened the door. “Damn, could you smell the brisket from your house?”
She chuckled, but quickly stopped when she noticed I hadn’t laughed with her.
“¿Que paso? ¿Estas Bien? ¿Por qué no tienes chaqueta?”
What’s wrong? Are you ok? Why don’t you have a jacket?
I shook my head. “I need to speak to Theo.”
“Forest, what happened?” She closed the door behind her.
I shook my head, my throat getting tight with emotion. Nova and I weren’t extremely close, but we had this thing that I didn’t have with anyone else. We had this kinship because of our Hispanic backgrounds, Catholic upbringing and the food we grew up with. I couldn’t explain it, but it was something we bonded over immediately. It was an understanding we had and I loved it. I had never found it with anyone else I had met on my adventures. Just thinking about leaving her and her comfort food brought me to tears.
“Forest,” she said in her mom tone that told me I better tell her what was wrong.
“I’m…I’m leaving,” I whispered.
“What? Why?” She touched my arm, searching my face for answers.
“It’s time,” I said, my voice cracking.
“What happened with you guys?”
She didn’t have to say who the guys were, I knew who she meant.
“It’s time for me to go,” I whispered, looking down, hiding my emotions from her.
“No mames,” she snapped.
Are you kidding me?
I continued to look down, ashamed.
“Forest, don’t bullshit me. What happened?” She pushed my chin up, scolding me like I was her child.
