“I wish we could go back in time and said something,” I said, kissing his chest.
“I do and I don’t,” Sam said. “I don’t think I was worthy of you back then.”
“What do you mean?” I sat up. “You are everything?—”
“No, I wasn’t. Younger Sam was a little shit, and I think you would have gotten tired of me,” he said, cupping my face and pulling me down. “I wasn’t ready for you and now that I've lived a little and we’ve pined for each other for so long, I know you won’t get sick of me.”
“I never got sick of you,” I said. “I’ve loved every part of you. Immature, silly, angry, focused and most of all, I’ve loved my best friend throughout all these years.”
Sam pulled me down, kissing me fiercely. I straddled his lap, needing to be as close to him as possible. We kissed like we were in a rush until we slowed down, enjoying each brush of our tongues and grinding on each other just like Forest and I would do.
I pulled back abruptly, looking up as my lip wobbled. Damn Forest. Sam rubbed my thighs up and down, giving me comfort and space without me having to ask for it. It would be so easy for us to be Jude and Sam. I could go to Toronto with him. I don’t know if I could be a firefighter there, but— My mind quickly remembered the conversation I had had with my siblings and them telling me to go with Sam if he got signed with a team and how Forest acted when I found him by the kitchen. He had to have heard our conversation.
A tear rolled down my cheek. “I think Forest heard our conversation on Thanksgiving.”
“What do you mean?” he asked, sitting up.
“Fuck.” I cried as a fresh wave of tears blurred my vision. “Someone said if you got signed, I should move with you, that it was about time we got together. He must have heard the conversation and felt, I don’t know, like a third wheel? Especially if he kept hearing that it took us forever to get together. You think this influenced his decision?”
“Maybe. We don’t know, Forest always talked about the different places he worked and lived, so his leaving isn’t out of character,” Sam said, anger lacing his tone.
“If you heard I loved someone else for years, don’t you think that would bother you?” I asked, feeling very guilty. “He looked sad when I saw him by the kitchen like something was bothering him, but the idiot didn’t say anything.”
Sam was silent.
“I think I would feel extremely jealous. I felt jealous and angry when I knew something had happened between you guys,” I said, remembering that night at the bar when I had put two and two together.
“He was jealous,” Sam sighed. “Forest was possessive, even if he said it was casual. Shit, but he had no reason to be and all he had to do was talk to us.”
“Talking to us made it real,” I said, running my hands through his hair. “What is he running from?”
“I don’t know,” Sam sighed.
“Maybe we should go talk to him?” My chest felt tight with anxiety.
Sam shook his head. “No, at least not now. We’d be talking to a wall. You know he’s stubborn as hell.”
“Is this it?” My lip quivered. “Not that I’m saying you're not enough, I just?—”
“I know what you mean, I feel it too,” he said, grabbing my hand. “I love you, but it's us all together that makes it work.”
I nodded. “I love all of us together.”
“Me too, Baby,” Sam whispered. “Let’s give him a day or two to cool off and maybe we can try and talk to him again soon, remind him why we all work together.”
“Are you moving to Toronto?” I asked. “It might make our conversation easier if we knew what life might look like next year.”
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I don’t know if I want to sign,” he said with uncertainty. “I like my life here, but a part of me wonders if I will regret it. I've been playing for most of my life and now I have a second chance. I'd be an idiot for not jumping at the opportunity, right?”
“No, it makes you human,” I said. “Our wants and needs change all the time and well, you've changed.”
“I was hoping today would go better and give me better insight on what to do,” he bit his lip. “I didn’t think it would trigger all of this.”
“It was bound to happen, you heard him. He made his decision,” I said.
“No, I think it was me who put the nail in the coffin,” Sam said lying down. “I changed his mind, gave him an easy out.”
I couldn’t argue with that. Forest was a coward hiding behind Sam’s signing instead of just telling us he was leaving. I curled up against Sam, wanting to take away his guilt, but I knew he wouldn’t listen.
